Time to stop spinning because I'm getting Dizzy...

The fiction is put aside once again and I am writing another real and honest post for you today.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone out there cares about my thoughts written here in this public extension of my private diary. But then that is and always has been my greatest weaknesses – a lack of self-confidence.

Just over a year ago I was putting together an application for a writing award, with an idea of turning my first blog Unravelling-Edges into a book, chronicling the thoughts and feelings I experienced during my first year of being a widow. 

I wasn’t successful with the application so that made a grand total of two rejections in two years.

This year the deadline for applications came and went and I never even considered putting my name forward.

I’d almost moved on too far from those early days of grief that were so raw and debilitating and I was eagerly searching for something new.

And so I started my NaNoWriMo project, turning the book of Esther in a young adult novel.

I’m full of grand ideas and daydreams but something always seems to stop me mid flow. It’s as if I lift up my head and look around I realise how scary this all is. 

How can I possibly write a novel or a whole book about grief? Surely there are better writers out there far more capable?

Then there’s the biggest stumbling block of all – I don’t actually know the right people, I don’t have the right contacts for this to succeed!

And that’s when I cry because that is Andrew talking in my head,  the Andrew who perhaps believed in my abilities but gently crushed my dreams with reality so I wouldn’t get hurt later on.

The other day I re-posted this from last year Dreams – Old andNew. I added it to my Facebook page and got this comment back from my bridesmaid who I first met when we did a voluntary year together.

Don't give up on your dreams.

Found my frontline t-shirt in loft yesterday, you wrote,

“hope we're still friends when I am a famous novelist

and you are just a housewife with four kids!”

The “just” in the last sentence was tongue in cheek, at least I really hope that’s how I meant it but the truth is my friend is a mother of four, it was always her ambition, although now she is pursuing other dreams too.

But what I had genuinely forgotten was that even back then I had a desire to write. That was completely overshadowed when I got married and had the boys. Family life took up all of my time and energy,

It’s taken me a long time and a tragedy to really start believing in my talents again and put fingers to keyboard.

How did I forget my dreams? They got pushed so far away they were almost out of reach.

I found this video yesterday of Jenn Bostic’s new song “Not Yet”

I especially love the young dancer in the video, she reminds me of a much younger version of me. Once I had dreams to dance too and there is something about the flick of her hair as she twirls and that yearning expression. 

The video shows “ordinary” people pursuing their passions and this along with the comment from my bridesmaid gave me the shove I needed to do something…

Last night I found and tweaked three flash fiction pieces to send into the Nation Flash Fiction Day website, this morning I found an email saying they have accepted one story and it will appear in tomorrow’s Flash Flood of stories throughout the day.

And next weekend I am going to show my writing to a proper published author – see I actually do know the right people after all – I am going to get an opinion from someone who knows stuff!

It's time to knock on a few doors again in between the writing, re-writing and editing because I really need to believe in myself enough to get a project finished for once!

Stop pretending I don’t care

Comparisons won’t get me

They won’t get me anywhere.

We’re all diamonds in the rough

It doesn’t matter what you think

I’m good enough

No matter what it takes

I’m going to make it

Yes I’m going to find a way

Think I’ll give up and forget

Not me

Not yet!

Monday Mixer - Time to Fly

Well this week's Monday Mixer has been a real challenge. To begin with I wondered if I could even make up any story using the bizarre list of words Jeff had chosen.

In the end I managed to use all NINE - yes you can count them - each prompt word is in blue.

With hands that moved proficiently Rosa counted tonight’s takings. Drachmas stacked neatly in commensurate towers before her, every eleventh coin was surreptitiously slipped into her pocket.

Suddenly she could hear raucous jeering from the amphitheatre. This new girl may be alluring to the eye but her discordant singing was turning the usually satisfied crowd into a mob baying for their money back.

Rosa scooped a few more coins from the table and slid them inside her boot. She was phlegmatic about her circumstances, things changed quickly and she had learned to be prepared for any eventuality.

Before the fire she was the star act in the cabaret. Now her visage was contorted in such a way that Shrike* couldn’t even bear to look at her. Instead he hid her behind a thick curtain in her own private oubliette.

Tonight she would cut the lanyard that held her captive and fly.

*So I slightly cheated with the word Shrike which I made into a name of a person but in my defence I did look up the word and it is a bird which is predatory in nature with a habit of catching insects and impaling their bodies on thorns.

The #MondayMixer - one of the most educational writing prompts in the world! LOL

Another NaNo Snippet Visual Dare - The Clock Tower

Thanks to Angela Goff once more for some stunning visual prompts.

I'm working on some description today which for me always seems the hardest part, I much prefer writing dialogue and action. Description takes time and I confess when reading a novel if the description doesn't grab me I skip it. 

Here is the photo I used for today's inspiration

Without doubt the tallest surviving structure and thereby most striking feature in this area was the clock tower. It appeared to have been sliced in two from top to bottom by the devastating earthquakes. 

A half-moon sentinel casting a long shadow over the square like a pointing finger. 

There were no remains of scattered debris; it had been cleared long ago and used to construct the makeshift learning zones of the Information Age.

Rowan scanned the scene from behind the camera lens, glad of its disguise. It gave him the perfect opportunity to take in the bleak yet beautiful surroundings.

200 NaNo Words

One third through NaNoWriMo and I have only added to my word count by 200 today.

But they are 200 special little words in two 100 words bursts with inspiration from my favourite writing prompt setters Angela Goff and Lillie McFerrin.

For Angela Goff's Visual Dare this week the challenge was a triple one with not one but three pictures to wordmonger with, bonus points for it being part of your NaNoWriMo story and extra bonus points for using all three prompts!

Couldn't quite fit all three into the 100 word limit but I chose to use the image of the spiral staircase as it best fitted my NaNo story.

This excerpt takes place a little further on than I have reached in my actual writing and I am excited now at the prospect of fleshing this scene out.

 Eunice led the way to an uneven twisted staircase.

“Entertainment Tower maintenance is not a high priority. The fifth step is loose.”

The older woman extended her reach in a surprisingly agile manner, fully expecting her younger companion to do the same but Esther misjudged her footing and fell.

“Are you alright?” Eunice helped her companion to sit down. “You’ve gone white child.”

It was true the blood had visibly drained from her face as a long forgotten childhood memory had been plucked from depths Esther hadn’t realised existed.

It wasn’t just the cold stone floor that made her shiver. 

And then Lillie McFerrin's Five Sentence Fiction this week was to write about one of our main characters in NaNo. So here are 5 sentences about a character called Cai and his relationship with my main character Esther.

Cai had dreams, vivid night time visions, of a meteoric rise within the Citadel walls; by the age of twenty he had already been promoted to the next level of Information Access and it appeared his path was set. 

Until the day Esther was brought to his door.

A timid seven year old orphan and he was her only living relative. 

Thoughts of where she might be sent if he didn’t step up to this new challenge of responsibility made him physically ill.

So a new way of life emerged for the two of them while Cai’s fanciful dreams slept.

Once again I look forward to adding to these 100 words.

Both prompts have helped me think more about my story, plot and character and given me a whole range of exciting posibilities to explore.

Many thanks to my NaNo cheerleading, pom pom waving, prompt setting, writing buddies!