Counting my blessings one song at a time

After a couple of disturbed nights I woke up this morning having had a full night’s sleep. It has put a spring in my step – actually I have felt like skipping today.

I have spent the day window shopping, looking for tiles, light fittings and paint colours for my new kitchen. Sitting in the car with the radio on these are the songs that have put a big smile on my face.

It started when I heard "Blockbuster" by Sweet when I dropped the boys off at school. This was the first single I ever bought, it was out in 1973 and I was only five years old but this song brings back memories of dancing round the kitchen with my dad on a Sunday evening when we would listen to the top 40.

I don’t know what the song is about but there’s a line “you’d better watch out if you’ve got long black hair.” Well I have always had long hair and my dad’s hair was dark so at such a young age I had a crazy notion he was singing all about us.

The very next song on the radio was Jenn Bostic “Not Yet”, well I wrote all about that one yesterday (you can read it here), the radio was turned up even louder as joined in!

I stopped at the lighting showroom to be bedazzled by sparkling ideas with exorbitant price tags!

Back in the car and the DJ played “Mr Blue Sky” by E.L.O. Now in some ways this song could make me a little sad as it was played at Andrew’s funeral.

When we had the private family cremation before the church service I chose two songs, one to be played when we entered with the coffin and one to play as we left.

The undertaker advised me to pick something more cheerful to leave by and “Mr Blue Sky” was the first happy tune to pop into my head.

It’s a song that never fails to makes me smile and gives me confidence to carry on. It certainly worked at the funeral because it transformed my mood and I was able to stand up and give the eulogy Andrew deserved to a packed congregation without a tear. 

Another stop to shop, I found some cheaper lights and discovered to my delight that HMV was still open! 

I picked up a copy of Jenn Bostic’s CD and popped it on in the car – bit of a mistake, the first two songs were new to me but the third was “Jealous of the Angels” - go and look it up on Google if you don’t know it, I was in tears well before the chorus as she sung about the pain of losing a loved one.

Still I have become quite adept at driving while crying over the past couple of years and the next track was the now familiar and positive “Not Yet”!

As the day progressed my kitchen plans moved forward. I think I’ve definitely chosen a paint colour for the walls – it’s called Rice Cake – even if the lights fittings and tiles are still under consideration.

It’s been a good day all in all, made even better by the sun shining and seeing my story appear on the Nation Flash Fiction Day Flash Flood!

It’s not always easy counting your blessings but a happy song or two along the way certainly makes all the difference!

Time to stop spinning because I'm getting Dizzy...

The fiction is put aside once again and I am writing another real and honest post for you today.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone out there cares about my thoughts written here in this public extension of my private diary. But then that is and always has been my greatest weaknesses – a lack of self-confidence.

Just over a year ago I was putting together an application for a writing award, with an idea of turning my first blog Unravelling-Edges into a book, chronicling the thoughts and feelings I experienced during my first year of being a widow. 

I wasn’t successful with the application so that made a grand total of two rejections in two years.

This year the deadline for applications came and went and I never even considered putting my name forward.

I’d almost moved on too far from those early days of grief that were so raw and debilitating and I was eagerly searching for something new.

And so I started my NaNoWriMo project, turning the book of Esther in a young adult novel.

I’m full of grand ideas and daydreams but something always seems to stop me mid flow. It’s as if I lift up my head and look around I realise how scary this all is. 

How can I possibly write a novel or a whole book about grief? Surely there are better writers out there far more capable?

Then there’s the biggest stumbling block of all – I don’t actually know the right people, I don’t have the right contacts for this to succeed!

And that’s when I cry because that is Andrew talking in my head,  the Andrew who perhaps believed in my abilities but gently crushed my dreams with reality so I wouldn’t get hurt later on.

The other day I re-posted this from last year Dreams – Old andNew. I added it to my Facebook page and got this comment back from my bridesmaid who I first met when we did a voluntary year together.

Don't give up on your dreams.

Found my frontline t-shirt in loft yesterday, you wrote,

“hope we're still friends when I am a famous novelist

and you are just a housewife with four kids!”

The “just” in the last sentence was tongue in cheek, at least I really hope that’s how I meant it but the truth is my friend is a mother of four, it was always her ambition, although now she is pursuing other dreams too.

But what I had genuinely forgotten was that even back then I had a desire to write. That was completely overshadowed when I got married and had the boys. Family life took up all of my time and energy,

It’s taken me a long time and a tragedy to really start believing in my talents again and put fingers to keyboard.

How did I forget my dreams? They got pushed so far away they were almost out of reach.

I found this video yesterday of Jenn Bostic’s new song “Not Yet”

I especially love the young dancer in the video, she reminds me of a much younger version of me. Once I had dreams to dance too and there is something about the flick of her hair as she twirls and that yearning expression. 

The video shows “ordinary” people pursuing their passions and this along with the comment from my bridesmaid gave me the shove I needed to do something…

Last night I found and tweaked three flash fiction pieces to send into the Nation Flash Fiction Day website, this morning I found an email saying they have accepted one story and it will appear in tomorrow’s Flash Flood of stories throughout the day.

And next weekend I am going to show my writing to a proper published author – see I actually do know the right people after all – I am going to get an opinion from someone who knows stuff!

It's time to knock on a few doors again in between the writing, re-writing and editing because I really need to believe in myself enough to get a project finished for once!

Stop pretending I don’t care

Comparisons won’t get me

They won’t get me anywhere.

We’re all diamonds in the rough

It doesn’t matter what you think

I’m good enough

No matter what it takes

I’m going to make it

Yes I’m going to find a way

Think I’ll give up and forget

Not me

Not yet!

Going around in circles...

Why does my life sometimes seem to go round and round in circles and I never get anywhere?

Even at the grand old age of 45 I still wonder what I will do when I am a proper grown up.

No longer a wife, always a mother but there’s got to be a little bit more.

I’ve been reading old blog posts, just pick one, any one written in April 2012 on re-ravelling or even go further back to April 2011 on unravelling-edges when things were still on the edge of falling apart, there’s a lot about dreams and ambitions, the things I’ve hoped, wished and often even prayed for.

Not sure why April particularly is the month for reassessing your life, maybe it’s all to do with the coming of spring? 

I am still sat here waiting just when I thought it was all about to be made clear.

God then decided to intervene in that oh so subtle way, a blink and you’ll have missed it sort of thing and this is kind of how the conversation went in my head.  

(I want to share because I think it’s important to recognise how God speaks, although I will spare you some of the finer personal details…)

“Oh what’s that? “

“A rainbow.”

“For me?”

“Yes, just for you!”

“But it’s not a whole rainbow, just a fragment and I’ve never seen one quite like that before.”

There in the sky was the sun, mostly obscured by cloud, a cloud that appeared as a weeping veil of tears covering the sun in a rainbow shimmery haze.

“Why do I often see rainbows when I’m driving, I can’t enjoy it for long. I want to stop and take in this beautiful phenomenon, I’ve never seen a rainbow dancing across the sun before and when I turn the corner it will be gone.”

“It’s just a glimpse of the good stuff that’s round the corner, better than you can even imagine.”

“But my imagination is pretty good; I can conjure up some incredible stories in my head.”

God laughs knowingly at that one! “Ah but not as perfect as I can, just you wait and see.”

I’m so tired of waiting but I’ve been sitting around far too long and I know I need to get on with stuff, whether it is writing, or sorting out a cupboard or two. Perhaps I should sort out the mess in the dining room, the unopened bills I still keep ignoring – it’s OK they are on Direct Debit and being paid but that isn’t really the point. I have phone calls to make, kitchen accessories and colours to choose and half-finished craft projects litter the house.

The rainbow nudges me to remember that God will honour his promises yet he still teases me that what he has in store is more marvellous than anything I can dream up. 

Recently I’ve been fooled again into chasing something that’s less than perfect and now I am reminded that I am worth so much more.

All my dreams, my ambitions - why can’t they come true? Nothing is really stopping them except me – I’ve stopped believing and more importantly if I'm honest I've stopping trying.

I’ve got a God up there who will gladly give me a rainbow when I need it most so I just need to trust him with the bigger stuff too.

A story for the Dark Fairy Queen Writerly Bridal Shower (or #DFQWBS)

I have a very special story to tell today written for the wonderfully encouraging, super talented and most amazing Anna Meade otherwise known as Dark Fairy Queen who writes the Yearning for Wonderland blog.

Anna was one half of the duo responsible for the Once Upon A Time flash fiction writing contest last year that magically turned a whole quiver of us aspiring writerly folk into proper published authors!

She has recently set up Nine Muse Press, dedicated to helping and supporting indie authors.

And I'm not sure where she finds the time because she also goes by the moniker of  #haplessbride as she busily plans her forthcoming wedding to Michael Loy.

In honour of such an auspicious occasion it has been decided, by the talented Laura, Rebekah and Miranda to produce an eBook of weddingy type flash fiction tales as a very special gift for the happy couple. (You can read the complete rules and regs here. And yes please add my tale into the eBook!)

But without further ado here is my story, a fairy story...but of course...

The Necklace of Tears

Being the school summer holidays the tour party was mostly comprised of young families. A collection of girls in princess party dresses, their brothers in mock armour eager to escape and explore the grounds of the castle where the knights were putting on a jousting tournament. 

Most dads were itching to leave by now too but this was the story guaranteed to make at least one mother cry and squeeze her husband’s hand a little tighter. 

Celeste wasn’t sure why but she was always tremendously moved by these shows of affection.

She had just one more thing to show them, just one more story to tell.

“This is the Necklace of Tears and it is surrounded by strong magic. 

“Once upon a time the princess who lived in this castle fell in love with a boy who worked in the stables called Peter.”

The boys groaned, eyes strayed for a glimpse out of the window. Celeste caught their wandering attention.

“He was judged not to be a suitable candidate for the princess’s hand in marriage and was sent instead on an almost impossible quest. A quest across the seven seas to fight dragons and ogres. If he made it back alive he could marry his bride. 

“Peter had no fear of the terrors that lay ahead and told the princess with complete confidence that she should prepare for their wedding, midsummer’s eve one year from that day.

“The following year on midsummer’s eve everything was ready, the castle sparkled, fresh flowers adorned every room. Everything was perfect. As dusk approached the princess looked out of the window to watch for Peter’s return.

“Eventually she spied a cloud of dust on the road and her heart soared but as it drew nearer she could see that Peter’s horse was not there and neither was he.

“Grief stricken at the news he was lost in battle she started to cry. Eventually she sobbed so hard that all that was left of her were her tears, each one that fell to the floor turned into a crystal. Her maid collected every one, threading them into this beautiful necklace.”

 A little girl enraptured by the story tugged at her sleeve, “Where did she go?”

“Some say she still wanders the castle waiting, a ghostlike figure haunting these halls.”

“And what do you say?” asked a deep male voice from the back.

Celeste hadn’t noticed this man earlier; he had no discernible family with him. His face was scarred, one eye lid half closed in a grotesque manner.

“There’s a theory that one day the stable boy will return and he will find her still waiting for him. He will fasten the necklace about her neck and the tears will melt away. I like that ending best of all.” She added wistfully.

”But sadly that concludes our tour today, thank you for listening…”

Celeste smiled at each family as they left and wished them well.

“You never told us the princess’s name.”

Turning she discovered the strange man was standing by the necklace.

“Celeste, Princess Celeste.” She whispered.

“Just like you.” He pointed to her name badge. “How long have you been working here?”

She hesitated; it felt as if she was on the edge of dreaming, “I can’t really remember … forever?”

“Do you think the old magic will still work?”

Carefully he lifted the necklace from the stand and placed it around her neck. 

Suddenly a wave of water broke forth washing away the tears of a thousand years or more. 

Celeste now stood in an elegant white bridal gown, a chain of daisies and buttercups replaced the necklace of tears. 

“Peter?”

“Yes my love. You waited?”

“For a thousand years and then some.”

“And will you still marry me, even though the years have not been so kind to me and I am battle weary?”

She touched his face, scarred by evil sorcery, scorched by dragons’ breath, scratched by vicious thorns. All of this he had endured for her, for love.

“Oh Peter of course I will marry you!”

They kissed, his scars melted just as the crystal tears had done, the magic was undone.

And naturally they lived…

                                       …happily ever after!

I make absolutely no apologies for the slushy ending would you seriously want anything else at a wedding? I will leave it to others to write the darker twisted tales. I look forward to reading them all...

To Anna and Michael 

I wish you well on your magical journey, 

may you have a long and happy life together 

filled with many blessings.  

Much love from Sarah xx 

 

#VisDare - Being Different

Angela does have a habit of finding obscure pictures for us to play with in her weekly Visual Dare Challenge and this one is no exception.

Just who is this lady taking her duck for a walk? 

Well I've called her Alice and this is her story...

Alice kicked me out of the bath tub at 7:02 this morning; a bit early for her but she seemed in a buoyant mood, there was an inordinate amount of singing going on while she attended to her ablutions. 

I really hoped she wasn’t using that scented bath oil again, it disagreed with my feathers. I ruffled the pages of the morning paper in protest.

When she emerged even I could tell there was something, well, different about her.

She’d discarded her usual attire of dungarees with checked shirt opting instead for a floral dress, shoes with a heel and a hat!

“Today’s the day Miss Quakers,” her voice was giddy. “Today he will notice me.”

Oh so this was all for the mysterious man in the coffee shop, I shook my head – if he hadn’t already observed the pair of us walking past every day there was no hope!

150 words

How can I change the world and still be home in time to cook tea?

It’s early, well earlyish for a school holiday; yet again I’m not sleeping well, too many thoughts keeping my mind on overdrive.

I get up, make a cup of tea and grab my laptop. It’s been a while since I sat in bed and wrote a blog post.

One sentence, that’s all I have time to type before a child wanders in and climbs beneath the covers with me. Why can’t he sleep in like his big brother? Crossly I click and close every tab I’ve opened and slide the laptop under the bed.

I should be grateful that my thirteen year old still wants a cuddle with his mum. My close physical contact is limited these days and he is the one person who I can legitimately tickle on the tummy.

But it just serves as a reminder that I am first and foremost a mum and a single mum at that!

I’ve never had a proper career; to be honest I’ve never had a proper job title.

In the past I would quite happily fill out forms with my occupation as House Wife. 

I was a wife – I’d been chosen, after years of never even having a boy kiss me I was delighted by my change of status.

But the W word was superseded long ago now by another harsher W word.

The Mother label is all I have left, it’s not quite enough to fill my every waking minute but I don’t know what else to do?

I keep thinking something will happen… by which I mean I keep hoping Prince Charming will turn up and sweep me off my feet. Every time I go somewhere new I’m looking, waiting, wondering. As ever I am the incurable romantic who still believes in Happy Ever Afters.

Remember that bubbling excitement of waiting the other week?

Foolish fairydust most of it. Now I have to face reality get off my backside and DO something to make the changes happen.

The thing is, although I’m not ready to share it here yet, I kind of know what it is and I am making as many excuses as I can to not follow it through.

There’s a mountain looming before me too difficult to climb, I’m not prepared, certainly not good enough for the task ahead and I have to be back by 3pm to pick the kids up from school.

I bought this post card years ago and stuck it on the fridge never realising all these years later it would still hold true.

OK so the boys don’t need me in quite the same way, it has changed a lot over the last sixteen years, especially in the last two and a bit when I’ve taken on the full time role of single parent.

In some ways being a parent is my comfort zone, I’m not always good at it, there are times I wish I could go back to the beginning and start again but most of the time I do alright and it’s all I really know how to do.

Can I really go out and change the world? 

Can I make a difference?

But what worries me the most is will this potential new venture be something else I start and never finish like so many other plans and projects of the past?

There’s one thing about being a mum – you can never give it up when you get bored, when things get tough. 

Whatever happens those two special boys will always be my number one priority!