Oh good grief - it's another torrent of tears!

I feel as if I have let myself down.

Today was supposed to be a good day, a grown up day where I left to catch the train before the boys had even left for school.

I was heading for York for a radio interview to be aired on Christmas day as part of the Archbishop’s Christmas broadcast. It had all come about because of the Faith Stories book published earlier in the year, in which I am a contributor.

(Here's another post about my experience - A leap too far? )

Everything connected with the book has been exciting but every event always leaves me in tears and today was the worst.

I think it’s because we are approaching the anniversary – three years, so much has changed and yet so much has stayed the same.

In the early days I thought these feeling would be over by now and I would have moved on both geographically and emotionally as if putting down one novel and beginning another set in a different world with a whole range of new characters.

Real life is not like that – I can’t quite believe my thoughts were once so naïve! 

Today as soon as I started talking about Andrew the tears bubbled up and have been raging like a flood on and off all day.

My radio interview was a total disaster! I was speaking about having hope in my faith without an ounce of hopefulness in my voice. To be honest I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide under the desk.

This is the life I long for,  I want to be a writer with days interspersed with speaking engagements and radio interviews talking about my writing, sharing my words of wisdom on grief – ha – what do I really know.

I could always write a book about how to fall apart ungracefully and blub your way round a city – remember to always carry tissues in you handbag especially when venturing out alone and don’t overdo the mascara.

Grieving is such hard work - am I doing something wrong after all this time?

I complained on Twitter and Facebook 

“What I hate most about grief - its ability to ruin what could have been a great day with a torrent of tears & an overwhelming sense of loss.”

A friend posted this in reply

“Grief is not bad though, in that its depth measures the love we have enjoyed and thus is a foundation of our character as long as we do not defend against it or avoid it in the future.”

On reflection perhaps I am actually grieving well after all and if I had moved on it would should how little I really cared. Maybe if my voice hadn’t cracked exposing my emotions it would have been more telling. In the grand scheme of things three years is a short space of time.

Well that’s my positive spin on things for today – now pass me another tissue…

where it all began...

On Friday I went to the Faith Stories book launch at Bishopthorpe Palace, the home of the Archbishop of York. The book was out yesterday so you can go out and buy it!

I’ve written about it before and how my story is in it but here is the video to accompany my story. So now you know what I look and sound like!

Because it is half term and York is kind of on the way, well in the right direction, I decided to visit my parents for a long weekend. My brother and his young son stayed Saturday night too and Sunday morning after they left I realised it was still early enough for me to go to church.

I don’t often visit this church but it is the one I grew up in, where I was baptised as a baby, where I was confirmed as a young teen and where as an older teen I would slide along the pew with my friends to see how many of us we could fit in a row!

The building holds special memories for me. As I sat there a stained glass window caught my eye. Part of the image is of a young woman with braided hair standing on tiptoe listening to Jesus. She is almost like an old friend to me.

It’s not just the building that evokes strong feelings; a church is really the people not he bricks and mortar.

The congregation has changed over the years, new people have come while others have left for pastures new, this side of heaven or the other.

Some of the congregation are like permanent fixtures, faithful and enduring.

At coffee time I sat with my old guide leader, my friend’s mum, a mother and daughter who always sat in the same pew as me and my grandma. Also there were my old youth leaders, a man who I once led the pathfinders group with and a woman who was my housegroup leader.

Before me were people who had a part in my upbringing, who remember me as a little girl or as a teenager or as a young adult before I left home and married.

I have fond memories of them all and enjoyed being in their company once more. I was almost the last to leave I was so busy chatting.

This is where my faith story really began and it was good to go back and remember.

A leap too far?

While working in the church shop on Tuesday one of my colleagues called me over to look at something.

She had been sorting out the greeting cards and wanted to show me the verse from Jeremiah 29 where God says

“I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you…”

I gave her a hug; these often quoted words were just what I needed to hear.

You see I have been watching the videos from the other contributors to the Archbishop’s Faith Stories book. I’d like to know who these people are before I meet them at the book launch on Friday. I’m interested in their stories and want to find some common ground to talk to them.

A lot of them are ordained ministers in the church and those that aren’t run projects working with the homeless or they go into prisons or they have set up a hospice! Really big important stuff.

I’m feeling very ordinary with my own little story, I feel like I don’t fit!

I’d love to turn my blog writing into a book. I’d like to think my words could reach out to people and touch them where they are, helping others who find themselves on a similar journey.

But at this moment in time it’s all a dream in my head.

Maybe in ten or twenty years’ time I’ll have done something to make me deserve a place in a book along with these other amazing people.

I told a friend how I was feeling and she sent me this text 

“Be strong and know that God has got you this far.”

Yes somehow God is in the midst of all this doubt; He knows where I am going even if I don’t have a clue.

It reminded me of a scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – any excuse to add a clip of Harrison Ford to my blog…

Indy has to take a leap of faith, he has to trust that something will break his fall and he won’t go tumbling into the chasm below.

Notice his heart is pounding, he is sweating, he consults his book, he pauses and re-evaluates the situation but eventually there is nothing left but to take that bold step.

I know exactly how he feels.

There is a wide crater before me full of immense possibilities. My imagination tries to fill it but all I am doing is throwing tiny pebbles into a deep well. I have no idea how I will get to the other side or what I will find when I get there.

My ideas don’t stand up but God’s imagination is so much more vast than mine and he says trust me, I will be with you, this is in my plans.

All I can do is hold on tight to the hand that created the universe and believe this leap of faith isn’t actually a leap too far!

Goodbye January, Hello February

Well it’s goodbye to cold, damp, snowy January and hello to cold and windy February!

In the past month I have written approximately 5500 words, less than 1000 were words I’ve added to my Esther story. I really must spend more time writing my “novel” – will I ever find the discipline to get it finished?

I know lots of other writing friends are busily working to finish their NaNoWriMo stories. I wish I had their dedication.

However I have written 13 flash fictions so far this year! I have learnt many new words from taking part in the #MondayMixer and in my opinion I have written some thought provoking and eclectic pieces.

Also I have knitted two scarves and made this lovely bag recycled bag from a felted jumper and trousers with the lining made from and old dressing gown.

So now we arrive at February – my birthday month – a time of year greeted with mixed emotions.

Andrew always treated birthdays as “just another day” and I find those feelings difficult to shake off.

But this February promises to be a good one.

I found out today that Paragraph Planet are going to post my 75 word story on their site on Monday.

My birthday is on Thursday, youngest son is performing in a drama festival so we are going out to the theatre!

Then on Friday 15th I am off to Bishopthorpe Palace with the boys for a book launch! My official invite from the Archbishop of York arrived in the post the other day.

The book is Faith Stories and my testimony is one of the stories included. 

You may remember if you’ve been following my blog closely that I went to Bishopthorpe back in September to be interviewed. You can read about it here.

There will be a video posted on You Tube shortly too so you can see what I look and sound like if you don’t already know!

I still can’t quite take it all in and if Andrew hadn’t died I wouldn’t be in this situation. 

I probably wouldn’t be writing so much, my Esther story would still be an idea locked in my head. I doubt I’d have entered the world of blogging, or Twitter or NaNo – what would I have had to write about?

Over the past two years my writing has become incredibly important to me and all of a sudden it has the potential to reach a whole new audience. That’s both exciting and scary.

Yes damp, cold, snowy January is well and truly over  – let’s see what February brings…

A Palace fit for a Bishop

Today has been a special day – I have been to a palace!

Not Buckingham Palace, I haven’t been to see the Queen.

I have been to Bishopthorpe Palace, home of the Archbishop of York.

Alas he didn’t ask me to stay for lunch, I’d brought my own sandwiches and sat on a bench outside, although the aroma from the dining room was delicious. 

what an amazing lawn - wish mine looked like that!

fabulous house too, side entrance, scaffolding up at the front!

Actually I never even got to see Archbishop Sentemu but I could hear him talking with his guests.

No I wasn’t gate-crashing and neither did I wander in unannounced from the street. I had been invited for an interview.

Sometime back on the Archbishop’s website I came across a section entitled “Faith Stories”. It featured short interviews of ordinary people sharing their stories and how their faith has impacted their lives. At the bottom of the page it asked for people to get in touch if they had a tale to tell and would like to be involved with the next series.

Obviously we ALL have a story of one sort or another and at that time I was in the frame of mind to get my own story told, write a book, become a publishing sensation etc. etc. So I sent an email in with a few details.

I had basically forgotten all about it or at least in my bleaker moments thought it was another door I’d tried to push open that had swung shut in my face.

Until I got an email in the summer holiday asking if I was still interested and would I like to come for an interview?

Never one to turn down an exciting opportunity I said yes straight away.

Then the doubts came along, slowly at first then thick and fast. The title of this venture was “Faith Stories”. I knew I had an interesting story but God and I have had a rocky year, could I really talk about my faith? Was I a fraud seeking attention?

This morning I had a minor falling out with youngest son and he left for school without saying goodbye.

It struck me that my relationship with my son has some similarities to the relationship I have with my heavenly Father.

Children often believe their parents haven’t got a clue and sometimes I treat God with the same contempt.

The basic problem is that the plan I have for my life is so different from God’s plan. I get cross with Him and stop talking when things don’t go my own way. Just like my son refused to speak to me because I didn’t do what he wanted.

My faith, love and trust is always there, underneath, all too often buried deep and in a real time of need I will go running back to God. In the same way my sons will soon come and find me if they have a real problem, after all I just might know enough to fix it!

God has been teaching me this year through the hard times to let go of my plans and let Him take control.

So this morning I prayed, as in properly prayed, for the first time in weeks. School holidays, the lack of routine and not going to church for a few weeks has seriously depleted my spiritual reserves and it was time to get back in touch.

“God, I believe you are there, all the time, and I am sorry (AGAIN!). This opportunity today is from you and I pray you will give me the right words to say, that I will express my faith in a way that touches and helps other people.”

My interview went well and apparently I came across articulately, which surprised me as I usually waffle when talking. So maybe God was listening this morning to my prayer. I can imagine His wry smile. He always knew one day soon I would pick up our conversation.

“Well God, I’ve been honest and open and now my story is out there for You to take and use for Your plans and Your glory!  Amen”


ADDED EXTRAS!

You can find out about "Faith Stories" HERE

And here's the link to my faith story video - Keeping God at the Centre