A letter about being stuck...

I’m scared but from somewhere there’s a tiny voice that urges me on.

Then as I start to type the inevitable tears flow.

I thought I’d left this behind. I thought I could move on from here and re-invent myself as someone new. Someone who didn’t splurge her thoughts all over the page!

But some things can’t be boxed up and hidden away forever.

I guess I knew that really, deep down, I knew I’d come full circle eventually.

Now every writing idea I’ve held in my head for the past couple of months is clamouring to get out of my brain.

·         A fairytale – how did that one end?

·         The memories that made me smile and cry all at once.

·         A piece where I once more stamped my feet in desperation.

·         The fantasy that weaves its way through my brain before I sleep.

Oh such stories, so many words I’ve written in my head but haven’t dared commit to typing on my blog.

To say “I’ve been a bit stuck lately” is quite frankly an understatement.

At first I made a big show of giving up my writing daydreams, I spoke of the foolishness of declaring myself to be  a writer. I decided I’d be “ordinary” instead – whatever that might mean. Not always pushing to the front but hiding someway back away from the limelight. 

After Christmas I even lost my familiar front spot in my exercise class and after a week or so found I didn’t mind, I could still see the instructor and giggle with the girls at the back.

At the grand old age of 46 I reasoned it is time to grow up and live in the real world.

But my “growing up” has only led to a growing resentment. 

I’m stuck alright but on closer examination most of it is self-imposed. I’ve dug my heels in so deep I need help to get me free.

“When are you going to write again?”

“I’ve given up!” I say with tears threatening to bubble over every time I answer the question. A sure sign this is not what I really want at all.

However there are some people who sagely nod and agree it’s probably for the best. This writing process has been cathartic over the past few years but perhaps it’s best to move on. Step away from the blog!

Others tell me how sad it is, how good my writing is and how much they enjoy my words.

I almost laugh at that – sometimes I don’t believe I’m good at anything except making macaroni cheese and cheese scones! To be honest sometimes they don’t even turn out quite as good as I hope. I’m very self-critical knowing I could do soooo much better if I really put in the effort.

To write or not to write? I wish I knew what to do and in the absence of a clear strong voice I have let me heels sink defiantly in the mire.

And this is where I’ve been…if you’ve been wondering.

I recognize I can’t stay stuck forever. I long for sunny days when there’s a bounce in my step.

I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want to be a pain, I don’t want to be the friend that ALWAYS whinges.

Of course I would love to be the leading lady in my own fabulous fairytale but I’m trying to be more content with being just an extra. Another face in the crowd. The girl at the back of the exercise class.

Perhaps it’s been good for me to re-evaluate my writing and my reasons for it.

No longer am I seeking to write my bestselling definitive guide to coping after the death of a loved one. I certainly don’t have all the answers. 

Having said all that I know my words have helped a few in the same way other people’s writing has touched my life.

But I’ve made the decision to no longer share all my blogs with everyone.

I long since gave up on my stats and finally I can honestly say I don’t care if only one person reads this. That’s more healthy isn’t it?

I'm writing for my pleasure and if my words speak to you that's great.

My thanks go to the people who have persevered in pulling me out of this mud – you know who you are and I am grateful for each word of encouragement. They have slowly dripped into my brain!

And thanks to God, who’s always there, somewhere, even if at the moment I get very little sense of Him near.

Because deep, deep down somewhere, I know for certain this is a gift that I can’t hide, that somehow, if I give it back to Him, He will use…and the details I will leave to Him!

Every Tuesday, Sabrina and Ruth link up for Letters To.  This is a prompted link-up, which means they provide a theme to base your post around and a space to share what you’ve written. This week’s prompt is A Letter to the Stuck