De-clutter

It’s half term and I came up with a cunning plan. 

I told the boys in advance before the holiday even began, “we are going to have a sort out! If anyone wants to buy this house we really have to clear out some of the clutter. I am not taking it with us to a new home.”

Youngest son has done quite well, admittedly he hasn’t thrown much away as yet but he has managed to sort out some of his Lego shelves, find a few missing pieces along the way and I have managed to wipe away a very thick layer of dust – yuck!

Oldest son has a large cupboard full of stuff I want him to go through – I must nag him tomorrow because he’s not even made a start yet. His half term has so far comprised of revision, going to the gym, watching tennis and writing his blog.

Meanwhile I’ve begun but not got very far, I’ve set myself quite a challenge as I have lots of rooms to go through however as I have started in the guest room where the laptop usually lives I have been distracted all too often by the lure of Twitter!!!

However I have made the momentous decision to finally chuck out ALL of my card making paraphernalia. I am going to pass some onto a friend who’s just taken it up as a hobby. 

((Never ever tell anyone you have started a new hobby or a collection you will always get inundated with stuff. It’s why I have accumulated so much in the first place!))

But I am only passing on the very best and most useful stuff; it’s not fair to give her the crap as well!

It has been surprisingly liberating to throw out and let go of scraps of paper and card I will never use! The more I threw away the easier it became; I have gathered momentum and become completely ruthless!

In a lot of ways it is easy, I have no emotional attachment to the pretty scraps torn from magazines and packaging but I need to move on next to cards I have received and kept and that could be trickier. 

You see I still have every single wedding acceptance card, every wedding and engagement card, all my 40^th birthday cards and probably the largest pile of all – about a hundred condolence cards.

To be honest they don’t take up a huge amount of space, perhaps I could keep them all, but why? Do I really NEED them ALL?

It was my dad who has been the most helpful, “Just keep a few, the special ones.” He said to me the other night on the phone.

And I know that’s the right answer and they were the words I needed to hear. I’ve heard them before but coming from my dad, just at that moment was particularly timely.

I just can’t keep everything and I’m realising more and more that part of grieving is letting go and moving on and if I don’t let go I can’t move forward and I have felt stuck for far too long.

I want to sell the house but I need to prepare for the day I get a phone call that sets that chain of events in motion. I hate waiting for things to happen so much but I think it’s finally hit me there are lots of things I can do to get ready. Sitting around moping is no longer an option!

So we are making progress with the boys’ stuff, my things and some shared possessions but then we move on to the most challenging items of all – what do I do with Andrew’s belongings? The things he cherished and horded and collected.

Some items I disposed of quickly but others have been lingering as I decide my best course of action. In the back of your mind you always wonder at an objects worth, if I throw this out will I regret it in a few years’ time when I discover it is valuable!

Finally I got hold of someone to come and look at Andrew’s record collection (I made a bit of a mess trying to dispose of them before)  his opinion is that most of them are worthless on the open market. Most are too scratched and the picture sleeves are missing, like a lot of DJs Andrew filed them away in plain cases and stuck number stickers on them to keep them filed away neatly and that devalues them.

Out of six boxes he only took a handful of vinyl away to try and sell on eBay. I might make £30 from the transaction if I am lucky.

It’s not about the money, that’s irrelevant in this instance, but I need the space in my life and I can’t hold onto these things any longer. With some regret and a deep breath I think I need to take a trip to the tip. 

It’s a bold step but I need to de-clutter, get rid of objects and emotions to move on and after three and a half year I am just about ready to do that.

I know there will be comments; youngest son has started already this morning saying I shouldn’t. 

I just burst into tears but I can’t hold onto all these things any longer, they weigh my down and I want to be free.

So please DON’T judge me, DON’T tell me I am foolish and NEVER tell me I am throwing away something valuable. Once these things were pure treasure but only I know their true worth now.

Of course some I will keep, “just the special ones,” as my dad would say and feeling less burdened I am more ready to begin a new adventure…

 

A letter to start anew... or rather some excuses to postpone New Year to a more convenient date!

FACT: in 4 years, 5 weeks and 1 day I will be 50 - not that I'm counting! 

When I reach my 50th birthday my sons will be 21 and 18 and maybe they won’t need me so much.

Does it seem as if I’m wishing my life away? Sometimes I feel like I do, I wish I could enjoy the moment more and stop daydreaming of a future when I will allegedly be “free” to do whatever I please.

We celebrated Christmas at my parents, a bit of a houseful with four generations under one roof for almost a week. There were surprisingly few fallings out and a great time was had by all. 

I went to visit some old school friends while I was in the area and dipped in and out of Facebook catching up on the goings on of my online community.

On 30th December my dad was 70 – family and friends drifted in and out all day, including cousins I’ve not seen for years. We used to meet regularly for family weddings and parties but the family has grown so large we’ve come to accept we will never all get together again but Christmas is a great time for getting back in touch at least with a few.

New Year’s Eve was a quiet affair spent at my in-laws. We played the Pointless board game, watched the spectacular fireworks on TV at midnight and then I went to bed.

Oldest son stayed up with his cousins playing FIFA on the Playstation until 3am! Those days seem a distant memory to me although I later found out my parents stayed up until after 2 having their own party! 

I’m caught somewhere in the middle with all the responsibilities of being the sensible adult. I didn’t even have a drink.

However I was glad of the full night’s sleep and a clear head because yesterday I had a long and very wet drive home. The car aquaplaned a few times which I admit was scary and I am thankful we returned home safe.

But youngest son was definitely off-colour on the journey – I’m thankful he wasn’t sick in the car over the coats and Christmas presents that were on the back seat beside him. However he was sick at 4am and he’s lying on the sofa now watching Home Alone.

I too feel drained, exhausted, shivery and full of cold. And coming home to the reality of a mountain of washing and last year’s left over paperwork to sort out depresses me.

It’s doesn’t feel like a HAPPY New Year but that means things can really only get better, right?

Facebook is obviously filled with New Year’s resolution but the big question appears to be to plan or not to plan and instead go with the flow?

I’ve always been a plotter and a planner – I had a few ideas in the pipeline before I felt sick. Now I wonder what the point is and that’s probably why I recalculated the number of days until my fiftieth birthday. It’s a definite point on the horizon, far enough away that I know some things will have changed by then – at least I hope so, I really do.

I know I am too tired to think rationally, too exhausted to set realistic goals for 2014. Besides who said resolutions should be set in stone by yesterday to count?

I’ve tried before with mixed success.

And so I've decided NOT to have a new year's resolution - this in NOT to say I've stopped planning or that I'm just going with the flow but at the moment I feel too sick and tired to think about it!

New Year with all its hopes and fears is postponed – maybe until my birthday, which is after all only 5 weeks and 1 day away – FACT!

I am linking up with Ruth and Sabrina again with this post and their "Letters to..." challenge. Just click on their names to see what wonderful words they have written on the subject.

That's My Goal

Last January I came up with a whole list of New Year’s resolutions and I did a reasonably good job at keeping most of them, if you don’t include the filing! 

However I decided to make things simple for 2013 and have one key priority. I want to be able to say "that’s my goal" for this year.

I was immediately distracted when I thought “isn’t that a song?”

Quick search on Google and I found this…

Shane Ward X Factor winner back in 2005, I remember it well, I voted for Journey South that year – but I digress…

I am going to totally contradict myself today, so what’s new, my brother says I do it all the time.

In my last post I was hypothetically planning my future wedding for when I meet the new man of my dreams. Last year one of my resolutions was to give on-line dating a go, finding someone new was higher up on my agenda than getting more exercise!

But the truth is although I long for someone to look at me in the same way as the groom eyed up the bride at the wedding the other day my number one priority this year is writing.

I can sit dreaming like a lovelorn teenager all year and never get anywhere 

OR

I can write and pursue my more creative goals. 

At least by doing the latter I will have produced something tangible by the end of 2013.

Then this popped up on Facebook the other day 

Was this a sign that I should I go and find him?

Oh I’m feeling very dithery at the moment and Facebook keeps recommending an on-line dating site I should try – half price at the moment – bargain – yes/no? My fingers hover over the keyboard…

No I will remain resolute and I am afraid Prince Charming will have to figure out his own rescue plan because I am going to be far too busy in 2013. 

Obviously if he would like to drop by and sweep me off my feet following the more conventional customs I shall consider it! Although youngest son has categorically stated I am not allowed to replace his dad so any future suitors for my hand will have a fight on their hands to convince him they are worthy.

Maybe/actually (*delete as applicable depending on mood) deep down I am scared of what a new relationship might bring with it. There are so many hurdles to be negotiated perhaps finding an agent/publisher/book deal is the easier option?

So that's settled then - my goal this year is to write, write a bit more and then continue writing. I will endeavour to keep a record of the number of words and make sure that each week I am adding to the total of my WIP on top of the blogging and flash fiction totals.

There are a few on-line schemes to tap into to record your word totals and keep on track, a bit like NaNoWriMo but I intend instead to keep typing away at my own pace. 

I will keep you up to date with my progress, I don’t promise a weekly total or even a monthly statement but please keep asking me about my Esther story and egging me on, in return every now and then I will show you something I have written...

2013 - Writing - That's my goal!

An Orderly Ending

This Five Sentence Fiction was supposed to be posted on the last day of 2012, unfortunately I have been having some technical difficulties. Now my internet connection is up and running once more I discovered that I am in time to add my link here’s my take on the prompt ENDING.

After reading several stories I felt a little sad so I tried to write something a bit sweeter. 

I came up with this autobiographical little tale based on the fact that I never did achieve my 2012 new year’s resolution of getting my paperwork and filing in order….

I’m sure I have an organised, tidy gene; it appears intermittently like a faulty flickering light with a loose connection.

Filing and sorting out my paperwork – it’s not rocket science – all you need is rudimentary knowledge of the alphabet and months of the year to shuffle papers into a logical order.

So after a restless night I face the last day of the year with the typical mountain of bills and papers before me that should have been dealt with months ago.

There are a few hours left of the year, let’s see if I can end it on a high with a shelf of pristine folders, colour coded neat and tidy.

Because I love a happy ever after ending!

…so did I get the filing sorted in the final hours of 2012? 

Of course NOT I had a story to write and a party to plan! 

Happy New Year!

Marks out of Ten

Well I think it’s time to look back over 2012 and assess how well I did in keeping my new year’s resolutions…

1.            Open a Twitter account – for networking and getting my writing noticed.

My Twitter account has been up and running for almost a year. I have tweeted over 1700 times, I am following over 200 people have 184 followers. Not huge numbers but I am picky and won’t follow indiscriminately.

“Networking” sounds so impersonal and calculating but for me Twitter has been the catalyst for making many new friends, lots of them WRITE and they have been a huge encouragement to me. 

2.            Write more – work on turning my first blog into a book, apply for writing award and approach agents.

I have certainly written more words this year I have written 177 blog posts this year, at least 40 flash fiction stories and 27,000 words of my NaNoWriMo novel. 

As for turning unravelling-edges into a book – that kind of stalled when I received a rejection letter from the Northern Writers Awards. Maybe one day I will tackle the subject of grief and write my memoirs but for now I have decided to turn my attention to fiction.

I did have some success having a short story published in the Once Upon aTime anthology.

My writing is improving, well at least I think it is, my typing is definitely getting quicker too!

3.            Remember more birthdays with cards and presents – I used to be good at this and need to relearn the skill as a way of keeping in touch and reminding people how special they are.  And even give gifts and cards for no reason!

Not sure if I have succeeded at this one or not – I’m sure there were a few birthdays I still forgot!

But I did make some wonderful Christmas presents - I melted some of Andrew's record collection and make bowls which I filled with chocolates!

 

4.            Sort out my paperwork and filing – hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Epic FAIL! Only a few more hours to resolve this one – unlikely to happen with a New Year’s party to plan!

5.            Register for on-line dating – hmmmmmm

Oh excuse me while I burst into spontaneous hilarious laughter! 

I did do it, never met anyone on-line either near enough or interesting enough to actually meet in person.

Feel a little sad and an overwhelming urge to try this again but I must remember how much I really hated the whole concept of judging people on a short piece of text and dodgy photo - hmmmmmmmm

6.            Get more exercise

Another one that didn’t totally go to plan – let’s add this to the 2013 list!

7.            Read my Bible and pray more

Hit and miss – another constant up still struggle where there is always room for improvement – read the book of Esther several times as research for my novel – can I count that?

8.            Fondly remember the good times

I did, there were a few dips in the year but I have mostly counted my blessings.

9.            Make time for friends and family

A big tick here I think, any excuse to put the kettle on and make a cuppa.

10.        Laugh – LOTS!

And cried lots but I think the giggles far outweighed the tears.

So that makes let’s say eight-ish out of ten!

Not bad for an end of year report, now what shall I plan for 2013???