Next Wednesday it will be twenty years since our wedding day
but when Andrew died the clock stopped at sixteen years, six months, six days
and a little under 3 hours.
On Wednesday there will be little to actually “celebrate”
but the memories have already started churning, which is probably why last
night I dreamt of Andrew.
It doesn’t happen very often. To be honest I try NOT to even
think of him too much because it hurts. I fill my days with other distractions,
most notably at the moment the Musketeers.
But I’ve written a poem and this seems as good a place as
any to share it because I’ve never been one for keeping my thoughts and
feelings to myself….
you wandered through
my dreams last night
disturbing my deepest
thoughts
I know I can never
escape you
and although it often
brings some comfort
to imagine you are
always watching
seeing you again
makes me miss you
far too much
rings no longer worn - kept forever together in a draw
Birthdays and anniversary dates become ingrained forever in
your brain.
Today is one such day.
Nineteen years ago the 7th May was a Saturday, it was our
wedding day. The sun shone, although maybe not quite as brightly or as warmly as
it was today, I remember a light drizzle in the morning and some clouds.
May 7th 1994
I had no idea when I made my vows that less than twenty
years later the “til death do us part” bit would already be fulfilled.
I can honestly say I can’t remember many anniversaries in between;
Andrew rarely made a fuss of our special day. He will have been away working
for about a third of them anyway.
But today, 7th May 2013 I will always remember.
I was rudely woken at 1 a.m. by a loud noise; a huge chunk of
plaster had fallen from the kitchen ceiling. It was inevitable really with the
amount of water that has poured down the walls over the past couple of days and
it’s all going to get worse before it gets any better.
the ceiling last night - just a bit of water damage!
oops-a-daisy - all fall down!
“Better or worse” now there’s another line from the wedding
vows.
How seriously do we take them? Well I know we do take them seriously but we don't believe the bad bits will ever happen!
In fairytales the wedding is the beginning of the Happy Ever
After. In reality that’s where the hard work begins.
When I got up early this morning to clear up the mess (I
really couldn’t face it in the middle of the night) I wondered if my fairytale
was going backwards, I’d had the wedding and now I was back being Cinderella
before the ball.
Maybe it’s all too easy to get sucked into self-pity.
I Tweeted and Facebooked what had happened and got some
wonderful comments back from friends. Prayers and virtual hugs made me smile
and have carried me through the day.
But as the sun sets my thoughts are taken back all those
years ago to the day when the words “death” and “part” and “worse” seemed so
vague and the only words that truly mattered were
“I LOVE YOU”
With all my messages of support perhaps I have discovered on
this special day that they still are the most important.
However I decided to make things simple for 2013 and have one key
priority. I want to be able to say "that’s my goal" for this year.
I was immediately distracted when I thought “isn’t that a
song?”
Quick search on Google and I found this…
Shane Ward X Factor winner back in 2005, I remember it well, I voted
for Journey South that year – but I digress…
I am going to totally contradict myself today, so what’s
new, my brother says I do it all the time.
In my last post I was hypothetically planning my future
wedding for when I meet the new man of my dreams. Last year one of my resolutions was to give on-line dating a go, finding someone new was higher up on my agenda than getting more exercise!
But the truth is although I long for someone to look at me
in the same way as the groom eyed up the bride at the wedding the other day my
number one priority this year is writing.
I can sit dreaming like a lovelorn teenager all year and
never get anywhere
OR
I can write and pursue my more creative goals.
At least
by doing the latter I will have produced something tangible by the end of 2013.
Then this popped up on Facebook the other day
Was this a sign that I should I go and find him?
Oh I’m feeling very dithery at the moment and Facebook keeps
recommending an on-line dating site I should try – half price at the moment –
bargain – yes/no? My fingers hover over the keyboard…
No I will remain resolute and I am afraid Prince Charming will have to figure out his
own rescue plan because I am going to be far too busy in 2013.
Obviously if he would like to drop by and sweep me off my
feet following the more conventional customs I shall consider it! Although
youngest son has categorically stated I am not allowed to replace his dad so
any future suitors for my hand will have a fight on their hands to convince him
they are worthy.
Maybe/actually (*delete as applicable depending on mood)
deep down I am scared of what a new relationship might bring with it. There are
so many hurdles to be negotiated perhaps finding an agent/publisher/book deal
is the easier option?
So that's settled then - my goal this year is to write, write a bit more and then
continue writing. I will endeavour to keep a record of the number of words and
make sure that each week I am adding to the total of my WIP on top of the
blogging and flash fiction totals.
There are a few on-line schemes to tap into to record your
word totals and keep on track, a bit like NaNoWriMo but I intend instead to keep typing away at my
own pace.
I will keep you up to date with my progress, I don’t promise
a weekly total or even a monthly statement but please keep asking me about my Esther story and egging
me on, in return every now and then I will show you something I have written...
You would have thought that now I have been widowed for over
2 years I have experienced most of the firsts, first birthday on my own, first
Christmas and such like, all the usual anniversaries.
I have even been to a couple of funerals since Andrew’s and
managed to get through them in one piece but today was something different.
I went to a wedding, not the first wedding I’ve ever been to
without Andrew, not everyone organised their wedding to fit in with his shift
patterns. But this was the first wedding I have been to since his funeral.
It was as you expect totally beautiful, the bride looked
radiant and the groom smiled at her completely in love. They must have kissed
three times when the vicar said they could - such magical moments!
It’s OK to cry at weddings isn’t it?
Good, because I did get a little teary.
Weddings do that to some people, they get carried away by
the emotions.
But this is the first time I’ve heard those vows read aloud
(well apart from the Royal Wedding on TV or in films).
for
better or worse
for
richer or poorer
‘til
death do us part
GULP – that last one is the emotional hurdle. You never
expect it to happen, well not when you are still young enough to have your own
hair and teeth.
So I started filling up and my friend beside me squeezed my
arm knowingly.
Weddings always bring it back to me just how important the
vows are that I once made. I hope they do that to us all who are married
re-affirming the way we feel.
I always longingly look at the dress, the flowers, compare the music
choices with our own, the new designs for wedding stationary are particularly creative.
If I had the chance again how might I do things differently?
My pondering has taken a strange twist because now there is
a faint possibility that I could get married again – OK so it might be a chance
as slim as a super model but I can once again look at a wedding through
different eyes.
There is a collection of ideas already growing in some dark
corner of my brain – I am forever the little girl planning her fairytale.
But I shall never forget the first one and the myriad of precious
moments I have gathered in my heart like confetti.
For today’s happy couple I wish them a long and
wonderful life together, they have waited so long for this and deserve it.Whatever ups and downs come their way I pray
they will always remember their very special day shared with friends and family
and filled to the brim with so much love.
Maybe, one day, if I ever get married again they can sit at my wedding
remembering their vows when I make mine…
