Who do you see when you look at me?

At the weekend I went to a school reunion – it’s been 30 years since we did our O levels (as they were in those days) and went our separate ways.

Of course some people never wandered far and most of us have one or two close friends we have tried to keep in contact with over the years.

The advent of Facebook has been a great way to keep in touch with a larger contingent and it was through Facebook that most of this reunion got organised.

Some of us last met at our 20 year reunion and so much seems to have happened since then, especially on a personal level for me…

…and yet we are all still very much the same people as we were all those years ago at school.

Each of us finds comfort in the groups we hung around with at school. Old cliques reform very quickly as we giggle and reminisce. There is nothing better than catching up with old friends who you shared an important part of your life with.

There are some people I don’t ever remember talking to at school so I struggle to think of what to say, I can’t recollect their names or faces, I smile politely instead. 

Talking to boys is especially a problem both then and now, I get tongue tied, tripping over my words. I don’t suppose I’ll ever really change.

And then I blurt out that my husband died and quickly wish I hadn’t but I kind of need people to know, it’s the biggest thing that has happened to me in the last ten years, it’s not pleasant to talk about and it kills the conversation. The conventional “I’m sorry” seems such a trivial thing to people say in return.

Then I over compensate, get a little louder and finally end up retreating to the dance floor lost in the 80s music – no I haven’t changed a bit since school.

However I’m told more than once I look happy and the truth is I really am.

The reunion isn’t totally as I expect it to be but nothing ever is.

I’ve worked out that as a would be writer and teller of stories I make so much up, whole conversations go on in my head that will never take place in real life because no one else knows the script except me!

Suddenly the music stops, the lights come back on and the night is over far too quickly. We agree we should meet more often, some will, some won’t. I wish I lived nearer sometimes and could join in the fun.

At the end I wonder what people think of me? What they thought of me all those years ago and if they think I’ve changed at all?

The next day photos appear on Facebook – happy smiling faces and there are one or two of me.

I like what I see very much and as my friends “like” my picture too I feel loved and know that’s all that matters in the end.

Dear God, I’ve been expecting you…

Today I am linking up with Ruth and Sabrina and their "letters to..." prompt

There seems to have been "something" going around recently, a lot of my blogging friends have felt overwhelmed by life and lacking in words to write. So today's prompt is called...

"A letter to... fill you in..."

It's a chance to catch up with what's been going on.  I decided to write my letter specifically to GOD... because I probably need to catch up with him as well as my friends...

Dear God, I’ve been expecting you…

This verse turned up on my facebook newsfeed today…

I remember two and a half years ago using it to end a blog post, Andrew had only been dead six months but I was so certain YOU would turn my life around just as this verse promised. YOU are the most high, YOU can do anything. I’ve read that verse that YOU have plans for me a thousand times…

…but here I am still hanging on…impatiently waiting.

I wish I knew what was going to happen when YOU eventually turn up! All my dreams appear to be in tatters and nowhere near coming true. I chase after rainbow promises filled with a renewed sense of hope that fizzles out within days.

At least that’s how it feels on a bad day and November has had far too many tear filled days and nights.

I suppose that is to be expected too – we passed the three year anniversary of Andrew’s death on Wednesday 13th. So I am now in my fourth year of being a widow – I SHOULD be better at this by now, less NEEDY and EMOTIONAL. The world has moved on and I am stuck in a rut waiting for the good things I thought YOU promised.

Perhaps I’ve been reading YOUR words all wrong, interpreting them in accordance to my own agenda.

I guess the time has arrived to put the daydreams to one side, pull my socks up and get on with life as it is NOW. After all I am supposed to be a grown up, I need to start acting like one and stop the temper tantrums. 

As a “friend” reminded me on Facebook I have much to be thankful for, my health, my children the blue sky etc etc etc!

I deleted that comment, feeling guilty at my lack of joy and selfish for wanting so much more and so full of rage. Tears bubbled over and… well it’s just NOT FAIR!

And yet the Psalms are full of indignation and anger at a God who doesn’t deliver in the way we want him to. 

God your shoulders are so wide they can accommodate my tears, my punches.

YOU said you were coming to rescue me, YOU said be brave, be strong…

I’m neither but I’m hanging on, not quite giving up…

…and I'm still here EXPECTING YOU!

being thankful

I am in a great mood at the moment and I'm sure the sunshine has a lot to do with it. I just need to look out of the open window to see beautiful blue sky and I can feel a gentle breeze blowing across my skin.

My facebook page is full of happy updates and pictures, my new kitchen, fantastic tennis on TV (I even went to Wimbledon with oldest son in the first week), I've eaten strawberries picked from my garden and the kids had fun splashing about on the beach on Saturday evening.  

However first thing this morning things didn't look so bright in this part of the world. The North East coast was covered by a light sea mist and the temperature had dramatically dropped.

"Oh bother!" 

I go walking with friends on a Monday morning and we had been looking forward to a walk in the sunshine. Today low tide fell at exactly the right time for us to walk around the cliffs on the beach and rocks without getting cut off or swept away. Last week we'd walked along the top and we were keen to see a very different view out to sea.

With the change in weather should we change our plans? There was very little debate - we decided we should go for it anyway - there are too few weeks left before the kids break up for the school holidays.

Instead we changed our clothes to whatever we each felt appropriate for a cooler walk and we set off.

Once we'd started walking we all agreed perhaps this was better weather for walking in, no risk of getting sunburnt or just being TOO HOT.

We laughed and chatted as usual not bothered that we couldn't see much of a view. Besides we had to watch our feet, the seaweed was very slippery and we squealed when the rocks beneath our feet wobbled!

But looking down meant we spotted a few fossils along the way.

We avoided stepping in rock pools and clambered over rocks...

...and spotted these two that looked like they were kissing!

There are things I would like to change in my life but what's the point of listing them here when there is so much good stuff going on at the moment.

I really do have lots to be thankful for!

Some dates you NEVER forget

Birthdays and anniversary dates become ingrained forever in your brain.

Today is one such day.

Nineteen years ago the 7th May was a Saturday, it was our wedding day. The sun shone, although maybe not quite as brightly or as warmly as it was today, I remember a light drizzle in the morning and some clouds.

May 7th 1994

I had no idea when I made my vows that less than twenty years later the “til death do us part” bit would already be fulfilled.

I can honestly say I can’t remember many anniversaries in between; Andrew rarely made a fuss of our special day. He will have been away working for about a third of them anyway.

But today, 7th May 2013 I will always remember. 

I was rudely woken at 1 a.m. by a loud noise; a huge chunk of plaster had fallen from the kitchen ceiling. It was inevitable really with the amount of water that has poured down the walls over the past couple of days and it’s all going to get worse before it gets any better.

the ceiling last night - just a bit of water damage!

oops-a-daisy - all fall down!

“Better or worse” now there’s another line from the wedding vows.

How seriously do we take them? Well I know we do take them seriously but we don't believe the bad bits will ever happen!

In fairytales the wedding is the beginning of the Happy Ever After. In reality that’s where the hard work begins.

When I got up early this morning to clear up the mess (I really couldn’t face it in the middle of the night) I wondered if my fairytale was going backwards, I’d had the wedding and now I was back being Cinderella before the ball.

Maybe it’s all too easy to get sucked into self-pity. 

I Tweeted and Facebooked what had happened and got some wonderful comments back from friends. Prayers and virtual hugs made me smile and have carried me through the day.

But as the sun sets my thoughts are taken back all those years ago to the day when the words “death” and “part” and “worse” seemed so vague and the only words that truly mattered were 

“I LOVE YOU”

With all my messages of support perhaps I have discovered on this special day that they still are the most important.

The Annual Christmas Letter

Now I have always been one to write a New Year letter instead of a Christmas one. I send mine out in January in reply to all the missives that have landed on my door mat the month before.

December is always such a busy month with both boys’ birthdays to contend with on top of organising Christmas.

The thing is these days I keep in touch with most of my friends on Facebook and Twitter, actually my friendship circle has increased exponentially, people I will possibly never ever meet in person have become incredibly important in my life. 

These friends don’t NEED a Christmas letter; they have been following the plot the whole year through in neat little instalments.

The people who have missed out are old friends without internet connection and lots of family members and I still want to tell them how I am doing – am I narcissistic for thinking they will want to know what I’ve been up to? 

Personally I do like this little catch up ritual, just think of all the social history that will be available to future generations about how we live now.

The Royal Mail have put up stamps astronomically, someone told me the other day it is 50p to send a card 2nd class – oh my giddy aunt, can I actually afford to send my news out in hard copy?

Well I am plodding away typing, cutting and pasting the events of 2012 and I thought I’d better check my diary to see if there is anything important I have missed.

So far re-reading my diary has made me laugh, in the first half of the year the humour is dark and inky black reading very much like my old teenage “woe is me” diary entries…

2nd May – I don’t know why I even bother to write anymore my life is so dull.

31st May – Day Cancelled, feel CRAP, didn’t go to counselling

8th July – church BORING Tennis EXCITING New chicks amazing Victoria Wood – funny!!

Fortunately my life takes a turn for the better a few days later

July 11th - Pulled woodchip from ceiling – feel elated every time I look at it!

July 23rd – I am now the girl with the purple streak in my hair!

September 17th – Lots of decorating. Luscious Lime is gorgeous!

Now these are actual diary entries I have shared with you, word for word, I have only changed one spelling mistake; these are not available in my Christmas letter!

They do show me how much I need colour in my life and how this year I have really turned a corner. 2012 didn’t start out as promising as I had hoped on New Year’s Eve but somewhere around July I had a revelation.

Actually it was at New Wine that a particular phrase flipped my world upside down setting me back on the right path …

BETTER NOT BITTER

When something BAD happens, and let’s face it you can’t get much worse than losing a loved one, you have a choice to make. A fork in the road appears and your decision here can colour your entire future if you let it.

I was all prepared to write a post about this phrase at the time but I don’t think I ever got round to it so I’m sharing it here as I peruse the pages of Sarah’s Diary 2012. 

Remembering and looking back but only for an instant because I have better things to hope for …

… just hope I get a lovely 2013 diary this Christmas to record it all in!