The land of make believe where the little blue birds tweet…

I admitted a while back that been extra distracted of late and my mood has altered very little since. I’m still here in a house I can’t sell feeling stuck, thinking my life will never change for the better!

To that end I’ve been avoiding the real world, hiding my paperwork and trying to escape the overwhelming grief that is so stubborn it won’t go! 

However I know from past experience that my moods are subject to change very quickly and this can’t last much longer can it? 

And while I wait for some excitement in my life there is always Twitter, my latest favourite waste of time!

Only a few months ago I decided to give up Twitter altogether just because I was getting bored with it and couldn’t see the point of following the people I did.

My timeline then was filled mostly with two sorts of people

·         Writers promoting their latest blogs posts/ books/stories and I don’t feel like a “writer” anymore. Was I ever? Isn’t it all just hype spinning out of control?

·         And Christians expounding lots of wisdom that I didn’t always want to hear. God may have a plan for me but he is keeping it so secret I am totally frustrated to the point of falling out with him on a daily basis!

In the end I didn’t delete my account, somehow I knew I’d have a change of heart and in the last few months I have added a third group of people I follow and who follow me - my #Musketeer friends. 

And I hold my hands up and admit I now spend so much time on Twitter my best friend has to tweet me to get my attention because I don’t always answer her texts!

It all started with conversations about which musketeer/actor we fancied most – we are like a bunch of giggly schoolgirls sometimes and it is so good to laugh and daydream – I’ve reverted to being a teenager again!

It’s crazy to think they would be too old for me if I were still a teenager and they are far too young now I am somewhere in my forties (let’s just leave my exact age out of this - I've told you before anyway!)

But over the last few weeks I’ve discovered something else new to me on Twitter that I never knew existed – Role Play.

Some people have special Role Play accounts and pretend to actually be the Musketeers and other assorted historical characters.

Now one of my friends sternly raises her eyebrows at this, concerned that I am chatting to the wrong kind of men! She always has been suspicious whereas I am probably too naïve and trusting.  

I promise her I will be careful and not get carried away…too far! It’s a bit of harmless flirting and quite honestly I could use the practice! Most are university students, some are older and a few have admitted being single but you never know for sure what's true and what's not (inside or outside the brackets)!

It is fun, reading Musketeer storylines played out, the writing is usually excellent and has you on the edge of your seat as you wait for the next tweet to appear.  Meanwhile another thread weaves in and out of the timeline made up of those of us reading and making comments.

Sometimes us “real” people even get to join in and it gets confusing, it’s sad, it’s funny, sometimes poignant and often very sexy *blushes* - I am learning lots. 

I’m not sure I can explain it all very well without if sounding, well just a bit strange to the uninitiated. My real life friends shake their heads at my new found hobby but they know only too well it will probably be another passing phase, another step along my grief journey perhaps, another way I try to mend my broken heart or at least fill in the gaps.

Consequently I have become a part of yet another on line community who at this moment in time are encouraging me, supporting me and mostly making me smile. That’s got to be a good thing.

In return hopefully I am being as encouraging and giving out as much as I receive because as people open up you can see underneath we are all the same - aching, hurting, needing - and Twitter is such a great way to communicate succinctly, dispensing positive thoughts like drops of April showers.

And I’ve found it easy to just drop into a conversation that I will pray about something. It’s not a glib comment I truly mean it and if people want to ask me more about my Christianity they can. Yes my faith is a little shaky at the present time but it’s still there under pinning everything, it always will be.

I think carefully about what I tweet and try not to get myself into controversial situations I feel uncomfortable with.

So now my Twitter timeline is made up of Musketeer fans, who make me smile, Christians who regularly challenge me and writers who remind me that once I wanted to write too and even if my words only fill 140 characters I think it’s good to remember that that is still writing!

The single most important issue is…

My head is full of thoughts and to use my unravelling/reravelling analogies the thread are completely tangled.

As I frantically try to unknot them I keep coming back to one single issue…

…the issue of singleness!

It’s becoming quite unavoidable and if I don’t write down all my thoughts my head will most likely explode!

I’ve been a smug married, so sure of myself and my place in the world. I’ve been loved, accepted, wanted, desired even – who would have thought that gauche, awkward teenager with no boyfriend would one day blossom into the beautiful swan, get married and have her own happy ending?

Only that ended abruptly when Andrew died unexpectedly leaving me with new titles to contend with – widow and single mum – to be truthful I don’t like either!

But widowed also means single again, I have tumbled down that slippery serpent on the snakes and ladders board back to square one with a bump.

At about the same time Andrew died, my brother’s marriage fell apart. He is now divorced and single. He doesn’t like the single title either so he is actively seeking someone new in his life through online dating.

“You should try it.” He says as he shows off his profile.

“I have tried it.” I remind him. “I didn’t like it.”

(you can read Holding out for a Hero and Sounded like a good idea - but can I have my money back? by clicking on the links!)

I also remind him I have a very specific wish list, top of which is I want to find a man who is a Christian.

He raises an eyebrow and tells me there are decent men out there who do not believe in Jesus or share my faith.

“But if God wants me to marry again, He will find me someone!” I say with conviction offering up another desperate prayer that my knight in shining armour will ride into town soon.

My brother’s eyebrows are both raised now, he’s an atheist, thinks I am a bit mad in this department and I’m sure he is convinced my God has let me down! 

Sometimes I think my brother has a point – where is God when I need him?

This is when God smiles down at me and posts a few encouraging words on Facebook via my global network of friends – believe me he is working on this one, night and day, he is always on my side and he has a special place in his heart for widows!

So where is my handsome prince? Or perhaps more importantly does he even exist?

There are a few more threads I need to unpick to attack these questions.

Truthfully I am not sure I am ready for a new relationship, there I’ve actually said it/ written it - same thing!

(Take a deep breath – those words are out there now as hard as they are to admit!)

However much I desire a new man in my life the gauche, awkward teenage Sarah is back and she has a few lessons to re-learn.

Number one is how to be “happy single”.

This notion of being “happy single” is nothing new. I even achieved it once – guess when that was? 

Right before Andrew asked me out! Literally that week the thought had gone through my head that if a man came along I wasn’t interested – ha!

I was content and happy, didn’t have a clue where my life was going when suddenly this man I’d known for a while, who was on the edge of my existence was catapulted into the centre of my world – here he was - THE ONE - ta dah!

Ok so I didn’t know he was THE ONE right at the very start but it didn’t take long to join the dots and see where this was heading!

But before that it took me many years to realise this “happy single” state, to be friends with the girl in the mirror who stared back at me every morning, to know that she was valuable, worthy and lovable despite her boyfriendless state.

This time around I have discovered the most wonderful book to help me to keep me grounded.

It is called The Single Woman and it is written by a gorgeous young woman called Mandy Hale, who is still single in her thirties because she is just too fabulous to settle for anything but the best!

Mandy's book not only contains the wisest of words but it is one of the most beautiful books ever - inside and out!

I could sit here and quote her all day, but just go and follow her on Twitter or Facebook and her wise words will pop up all over your newsfeed. If you need encouragement she is the girl to go to.

For a daydreamer like me, head in the clouds, always searching for a happy ending she has this most wonderful piece of advice…

“The real fairy tale is designing a life so amazing that you don’t want to be rescued from it.”

Now this worries me slightly because it means I have got to relinquish my control and declare that I want to be happy on my own in the knowledge that this is the way things may end up.

Prince charming may NEVER arrive. Andrew may remain the one and only love of my life.

But if I don’t learn to let go, I will never move forward.

It is no longer Andrew I need to let go of, I know he’s never coming back, that part of my life is over but I need to step into a world of being fabulously single, of making singleness my choice rather than my default setting because of circumstances beyond my control.

If I don’t do this I will continually be tripped up at every turn, tangled up in a half-life, miserably waiting for Mr Right to come along and somehow make me complete.

I don't want to live my life like that - it's so unattractive!

Therefore singleness in no longer on the agenda for debate or discussion – it is no longer the single most important issue!

And for those wobbly times when my resolve fails and I forget I’m going to keep my copy of The Single Woman close at hand and God even closer!

Letter to... a younger me

I've wanted to write something like this for a while but have been too dithery...

Anyway this week I am once again linking up with other friends also writing their own letters to themselves.

Thanks to guest host Melanie at Indirect Revelation!

Dear younger me...

I have just two basic things to tell you.

Number 1

STOP CHASING AFTER BOYS WHO ARE NOT REMOTELY INTERESTED IN YOU

– IT’S SUCH A WASTE OF TIME.

Sadly, as deep down you already suspect these boys will NEVER ever like you in the way you want them to and I know how much it pains you now but honestly in the end it really doesn’t matter.

You can send them the cutest Valentine’s cards, bake them the most delicious cakes. You can laugh at their jokes, join the Madness fanclub to get some male attention and even help them with their maths homework but I’m afraid they will always prefer your best friend, who’s more quiet, less desperate and not nearly as much of a challenge as you would be!

You can type up a whole dissertation and HE won’t notice you – go and spend time doing something you would rather be doing!

That is until ONE DAY

(believe me ONE DAY really DOES happen!)

Unexpectedly, out of the blue, someone WILL turn up who is just so perfect. He will laugh at your silly jokes, he will value your sometimes wild opinions, and he will trust you with his deepest secrets.

HE will hold your hand and love you so much - always.

You just have to WAIT…

…which is HARD…

…because you will have to wait…

…quite a while…

… actually…

…so please use that time wisely, go and read Pride and Prejudice - Miss Creek was right you will enjoy it.

Be just like Elizabeth Bennett and don’t settle for anything less than your own Mr Darcy! A bit grumpy round the edges but you will melt his heart and bring out the very best in him.

And for goodness sake go and WRITE instead of just daydreaming all the time, let your imagination wander and create brand new worlds, adventures and wonderful characters. Write just for fun and NEVER let anyone stop you.

Now I know for a fact you WON’T listen to my first piece of advice, you are too stubborn and think you can do things your own way. Which is why I’ve been so blunt with you – don’t get in a strop with me I know you far too well! 

BUT PLEASE REMEMBER THIS

You are NOT fat or ugly or any of those other stupid lies you tell yourself to explain the fact you are single. There is NOT something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you unattractive to the opposite sex.

I wonder sometimes if I will ever learn.

Which brings me to what is perhaps an even more important lesson and something more specific I need you to do…

Number 2

One Wednesday afternoon when you have just got home from college and you are tired from your 4 hour train journey, and mum says “grandma’s been asking after you, she wants to see you” don’t put it off your visit until the next day… 

…tomorrows rarely happen the way you plan!

Try to enjoy the here and now and never take anyone for granted because ONE DAY they might not be around and you will miss them more than you can ever imagine…

Twice a month, we will provide you with a Letters To prompt and a welcoming space to share it.  The link-ups are usually  hosted alternately by Ruth at {learning one day at a time} and Sabrina at Just Keep Singing.  This week, though, the beautiful Melanie has stepped up to guest host for us.

A few guidelines:

• Check back every 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month for your prompt
  
• Write something!
  
• Grab the button and link back here within your post
  
• Enter your URL into the linky

• Be sure to read one or two other posts and leave some words of encouragement!

• Whether you stick to a personal letter format, or run off on a tangent based loosely around the prompt, we'd love to read your posts.  We'll leave the creative details up to you!

God's teaching me to be patient AGAIN!

I’m restless at the moment. 

The garden is beginning to blossom, I will have ripe juicy strawberries just in time for Wimbledon. (since taking this photo only last week the petals have fallen and the fruit is growing!)

The kitchen is beginning to shine, after all that behind the scenes preparation I can now actually see things coming together. Cupboards are slotting into place, there’s some colour on the walls, I’ve got a quote for the worktops and have paid a deposit for the flooring.

My writing is beginning to come together too. I’ve certainly had some positive feedback over the past few weeks which is sort of keeping me focussed.

Good things are happening but the final results are ever so slightly out of reach, just beneath the surface, out of my eye line to mix up all my metaphors. I’m not quite there and my impatience is steadily growing.

I’ve been writing a lot of haiku poems recently, novels take a long time to write, I’ve never finished one yet, short stories can take days, flash fiction can sometimes be written within an hour, haiku’s take just minutes – perfect for those, like me, with very little patience.

Here’s one especially for today’s mood…

Something is bubbling

Still waiting impatiently

Dreams ripple with hope

I’ve waited so long but I can almost imagine how luscious those strawberries are going to taste when they ripen in just a couple of weeks’ time.

I can picture how amazing the kitchen will look. Realistically I’m guessing a month or so before it looks perfect, I’ve still got cushions to make and blinds to order.

And as for that bigger writing dream, I think that’s getting closer too. Although there is certainly a lot more work to be done and I suspect a there will be a lot more waiting involved too.

This popped up on my Facebook feed earlier.

I’ve written about God’s timing and waiting so many times before. It’s something I know deep down but it’s always worth being reminded especially on those days when your patience is stretched and you are desperately waiting for the next big thing!

How can I change the world and still be home in time to cook tea?

It’s early, well earlyish for a school holiday; yet again I’m not sleeping well, too many thoughts keeping my mind on overdrive.

I get up, make a cup of tea and grab my laptop. It’s been a while since I sat in bed and wrote a blog post.

One sentence, that’s all I have time to type before a child wanders in and climbs beneath the covers with me. Why can’t he sleep in like his big brother? Crossly I click and close every tab I’ve opened and slide the laptop under the bed.

I should be grateful that my thirteen year old still wants a cuddle with his mum. My close physical contact is limited these days and he is the one person who I can legitimately tickle on the tummy.

But it just serves as a reminder that I am first and foremost a mum and a single mum at that!

I’ve never had a proper career; to be honest I’ve never had a proper job title.

In the past I would quite happily fill out forms with my occupation as House Wife. 

I was a wife – I’d been chosen, after years of never even having a boy kiss me I was delighted by my change of status.

But the W word was superseded long ago now by another harsher W word.

The Mother label is all I have left, it’s not quite enough to fill my every waking minute but I don’t know what else to do?

I keep thinking something will happen… by which I mean I keep hoping Prince Charming will turn up and sweep me off my feet. Every time I go somewhere new I’m looking, waiting, wondering. As ever I am the incurable romantic who still believes in Happy Ever Afters.

Remember that bubbling excitement of waiting the other week?

Foolish fairydust most of it. Now I have to face reality get off my backside and DO something to make the changes happen.

The thing is, although I’m not ready to share it here yet, I kind of know what it is and I am making as many excuses as I can to not follow it through.

There’s a mountain looming before me too difficult to climb, I’m not prepared, certainly not good enough for the task ahead and I have to be back by 3pm to pick the kids up from school.

I bought this post card years ago and stuck it on the fridge never realising all these years later it would still hold true.

OK so the boys don’t need me in quite the same way, it has changed a lot over the last sixteen years, especially in the last two and a bit when I’ve taken on the full time role of single parent.

In some ways being a parent is my comfort zone, I’m not always good at it, there are times I wish I could go back to the beginning and start again but most of the time I do alright and it’s all I really know how to do.

Can I really go out and change the world? 

Can I make a difference?

But what worries me the most is will this potential new venture be something else I start and never finish like so many other plans and projects of the past?

There’s one thing about being a mum – you can never give it up when you get bored, when things get tough. 

Whatever happens those two special boys will always be my number one priority!