It’s early, well earlyish for a school holiday; yet again I’m not sleeping well, too many thoughts keeping my mind on overdrive.
I get up, make a cup of tea and grab my laptop. It’s been a while since I sat in bed and wrote a blog post.
One sentence, that’s all I have time to type before a child wanders in and climbs beneath the covers with me. Why can’t he sleep in like his big brother? Crossly I click and close every tab I’ve opened and slide the laptop under the bed.
I should be grateful that my thirteen year old still wants a cuddle with his mum. My close physical contact is limited these days and he is the one person who I can legitimately tickle on the tummy.
But it just serves as a reminder that I am first and foremost a mum and a single mum at that!
I’ve never had a proper career; to be honest I’ve never had a proper job title.
In the past I would quite happily fill out forms with my occupation as House Wife.
I was a wife – I’d been chosen, after years of never even having a boy kiss me I was delighted by my change of status.
But the W word was superseded long ago now by another harsher W word.
The Mother label is all I have left, it’s not quite enough to fill my every waking minute but I don’t know what else to do?
I keep thinking something will happen… by which I mean I keep hoping Prince Charming will turn up and sweep me off my feet. Every time I go somewhere new I’m looking, waiting, wondering. As ever I am the incurable romantic who still believes in Happy Ever Afters.
Remember that bubbling excitement of waiting the other week?
Foolish fairydust most of it. Now I have to face reality get off my backside and DO something to make the changes happen.
The thing is, although I’m not ready to share it here yet, I kind of know what it is and I am making as many excuses as I can to not follow it through.
There’s a mountain looming before me too difficult to climb, I’m not prepared, certainly not good enough for the task ahead and I have to be back by 3pm to pick the kids up from school.
I bought this post card years ago and stuck it on the fridge never realising all these years later it would still hold true.
In some ways being a parent is my comfort zone, I’m not always good at it, there are times I wish I could go back to the beginning and start again but most of the time I do alright and it’s all I really know how to do.
Can I really go out and change the world?
Can I make a difference?
But what worries me the most is will this potential new venture be something else I start and never finish like so many other plans and projects of the past?
There’s one thing about being a mum – you can never give it up when you get bored, when things get tough.
Whatever happens those two special boys will always be my number one priority!