Going around in circles...

Why does my life sometimes seem to go round and round in circles and I never get anywhere?

Even at the grand old age of 45 I still wonder what I will do when I am a proper grown up.

No longer a wife, always a mother but there’s got to be a little bit more.

I’ve been reading old blog posts, just pick one, any one written in April 2012 on re-ravelling or even go further back to April 2011 on unravelling-edges when things were still on the edge of falling apart, there’s a lot about dreams and ambitions, the things I’ve hoped, wished and often even prayed for.

Not sure why April particularly is the month for reassessing your life, maybe it’s all to do with the coming of spring? 

I am still sat here waiting just when I thought it was all about to be made clear.

God then decided to intervene in that oh so subtle way, a blink and you’ll have missed it sort of thing and this is kind of how the conversation went in my head.  

(I want to share because I think it’s important to recognise how God speaks, although I will spare you some of the finer personal details…)

“Oh what’s that? “

“A rainbow.”

“For me?”

“Yes, just for you!”

“But it’s not a whole rainbow, just a fragment and I’ve never seen one quite like that before.”

There in the sky was the sun, mostly obscured by cloud, a cloud that appeared as a weeping veil of tears covering the sun in a rainbow shimmery haze.

“Why do I often see rainbows when I’m driving, I can’t enjoy it for long. I want to stop and take in this beautiful phenomenon, I’ve never seen a rainbow dancing across the sun before and when I turn the corner it will be gone.”

“It’s just a glimpse of the good stuff that’s round the corner, better than you can even imagine.”

“But my imagination is pretty good; I can conjure up some incredible stories in my head.”

God laughs knowingly at that one! “Ah but not as perfect as I can, just you wait and see.”

I’m so tired of waiting but I’ve been sitting around far too long and I know I need to get on with stuff, whether it is writing, or sorting out a cupboard or two. Perhaps I should sort out the mess in the dining room, the unopened bills I still keep ignoring – it’s OK they are on Direct Debit and being paid but that isn’t really the point. I have phone calls to make, kitchen accessories and colours to choose and half-finished craft projects litter the house.

The rainbow nudges me to remember that God will honour his promises yet he still teases me that what he has in store is more marvellous than anything I can dream up. 

Recently I’ve been fooled again into chasing something that’s less than perfect and now I am reminded that I am worth so much more.

All my dreams, my ambitions - why can’t they come true? Nothing is really stopping them except me – I’ve stopped believing and more importantly if I'm honest I've stopping trying.

I’ve got a God up there who will gladly give me a rainbow when I need it most so I just need to trust him with the bigger stuff too.