Do you know where you’re going to…?

When I went to the tip a few weeks ago with Andrew’s records suddenly I heard this song on the radio

I cried my eyes out saddened by the thought I was letting something go that was so precious to us both but also aware I have to let go to move forward.

But I don’t know where I am going anymore. At the moment I feel as if I am making such a mess of everything on my own and today once more for no apparent reason I am in floods of tears.

I miss Andrew so much and wish he would just walk through the front door with his cheery “honey I’m home” said in jest, a take-off of American sitcoms.

I wish he would look at the accumulated mess and resolve to sort it out together. Because together we could do this

Cue another Diana Ross song 

On my own I fill my days up with nonsense but every now and again a bitterly cold wind blows away the fairydust and I can see what’s underneath, just me, lost, alone and in a muddle.

I push on each and every door I come across hoping one will open, but when one gives I fall flat on my face and it hurts!

I reach for bits of glitter but however far I stretch it soon becomes clear they are merely pinpricks of light in the night sky beyond my grasp.

I used to be able to write myself happy, somehow turn the sad thoughts around, today I think I’ve lost the knack.

But every day some small things do make me laugh out loud and I am using them as stepping stones to cross this river of tears.

I have no idea where they will lead me, or if they will have me spinning in circles, but smiles and laughter are always good.

And one thing always leads to another like a "chain reaction"...

 

... now that's a song that will always make me laugh and cry... but that's another story!

Scars and Bruises

Last month oldest son had a freak tennis accident. He was running for the ball when he collided with the tennis net post and cut his leg badly. His doubles partner continued playing and even went on to win the point while oldest son was on the floor. Alas although they were ahead in the match, a set and a break up, they then had to forfeit due to the injury.

The first I heard was a phone call from the tennis coach.

“Your son has cut his leg and needs to go to A&E to get it stitched.”

Fortunately the nearest hospital is only a few hundred yards along the road from the tennis club but I never realised just how dangerous tennis was before.

“You can see the bone.” I was informed by my son when I arrived shortly after. I didn’t want to look.

We waited and waited and eventually we were seen by a young doctor, a very young looking doctor – isn’t that when you know you are getting old?

Anyway because this young medic was also a keen sportsman he erred on the side of caution and decided not to stitch up the wound straight away but get a plastics consultant to look at it to assess if there was any tendon damage.

And so we waited for another two days before finally oldest son was operated on under general anaesthetic. Fortunately there was no tendon damage but it’s always better to be safe than sorry and he has a tale to tell.

“You’ll have a great scar,” I told him, “and when you get a girlfriend she’ll love it!”

He looked at me with all the distain of a teenage boy to his mother, as if I was mad.

“I’d rather not have a scar at all.”

Yes wouldn’t we all! 

No scars, no bruises, no visible marks to show the life we have lived.

Andrew had his appendix out when he was six or maybe it was eight, all I know is he was a very young child and he had been very poorly with it. And so he was left with thin scar on his abdomen which completely fascinated me as someone who’d never had an operation. 

As we lay in bed sometimes I would run my finger along it, just because as his wife I could, I wouldn’t recommend you go up to anyone in the street and do it.

I was amazed at how he’d been stitched back together and that although he had “nearly died” (his words but apparently true as his appendix was twisted almost bursting or whatever the medical terminology is) here he was all mended. Sometimes I even thought he was saved just for me so we could be together – melodramatic I know but I have some crazy thoughts that run around my head!

Now of course it is me who wears a scar, an invisible one that runs across my heart, cracked and broken, patched up but not totally mended, it never will be.

We all have scars and bruises, that’s what makes us human. It is those blemishes and marks that tell our story, show what we have lived through. 

Our scars show our vulnerability and they can be strangely attractive.

One day I have no doubt oldest son will find a girl who will trace the line below his knee and be captivated by his story of bravery and how he got his “war wound” – seven stitches in total. 

OK so there will probably be a lot of laughter to go with it because let’s face it running into a tennis net post is essentially a stupid thing to do, especially when you are already winning the match and the point isn’t crucial.

But it shows the character of my son, his determination and drive to do the best he can.

My own scars show I have the ability to love deeply.

One of my favourite songs this year has been Bruises by Train and Ashley Monroe, I know all the words and sing along in the car at the top of my voice, complete with American accent.

I would love to fix it all for you

I would love to fix you too

Please don’t fix a thing whatever you do.

These bruises make for better conversation…

You’re not alone in how you’ve been

Everybody loses

We all got bruises

Of course the most important scars in the whole wide world are the one’s Jesus has on his hands and feet from being nailed to the cross. I’ve read somewhere that these scars will always remain, even in Heaven, when we have new bodies and everything is made whole.

While our bruises fade away Jesus’s scars act as a reminder of what he went through for us – now you can believe that or not but I for one can’t wait to see those particular scars for real, perhaps even touch and marvel at the immense love they show…

Mid Week Blues Buster - STAY

Well it's a week for participating in new writing prompts. I have always liked the look of Jeff Tsuruoka's Mid Week Blues Buster challenge but have never quite had the time to fit it in.

Instead of a picture or a word or even nine words his prompt is a song. Then you write a story of about 500 words, but the rules are very lenient and the story can be anything from 300 to 700.

This week’s prompt is provided by Manchester duo… Hurts.



The song is, “Stay”.  Here’s the link; http://youtu.be/1nP3XB7hrFo

And here's the story it inspired...

We say goodbye in the pouring rain, you shake my hand like the true gentleman you are.

Then you turn and leave without a single word.

But then you’ve already told me this is never going to work. Your letter so articulate and neatly written in your cursive old fashioned handwriting explaining everything.

Holding in all my raw emotions I watch you walk away, your umbrella aloft protecting you from the storm. Once you turn the corner, without so much as a backwards glance, tears run down my face mingling with raindrops. 

I can’t move yet all I want to do is run after you and beg you to stay - please. We can make this work - somehow. That’s what love is all about. Compromise, give and take, call it whatever you like.

Was it a mistake to see you one final time?

Well one last time for me but for you this is actually our very first meeting – isn’t it funny how time travel works – I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why our days together had to be so brief when you had the capacity to turn an hour into an entire lifetime.

What is the point of your gift if you can’t use it to be happy or to make those you love happy too?

In your time, the you who’s just left me standing here, oblivious to how I even feel, you’ve not even written this letter yet, this letter that is fading before my eyes. 

At first I think it is just the ink running, words smudging in the wet but as I look closer the blue script is not running but erasing line by line. I trace the disappearing words with my finger until I have nothing left of you.

I feel wobbly as if my legs will no longer hold my weight.

Time is being re-written.

And then the rain stops, at least it no longer drips on my head or runs down my face.

I look up to see the shadow of a big black umbrella and your smiling face.

“It’s all been a mistake,” you whisper softly, “I’ve decided to stay!”

360 words

Sit Down - Just Be

It’s been a while since I quoted Bible verses on my blog.

It’s been months since I quoted song lyrics on my blog.

When I first started unravelling–edges I was very dependent on these words I read and heard, they spoke deep into my heart reflecting my mood.

These days perhaps because I am more comfortable with my own writing style I seem to be able to express things in my own way with more confidence and eloquence.

But every now and then it is good to go back to the start and revisit the places you came from...

So here are some thoughts from the Bible and some songs which have been swirling about my brain and sum up where I am now.

The other week at the prayer meeting we read Isaiah 41. Now I am familiar with the verses at the end of chapter 40, they are all about God giving us strength to rise up on wings like eagles. Words that we listened to in a song at Andrew’s funeral that brought me such comfort.

But these words at the beginning of chapter 41 were new or at least they spoke to me in a fresh way.

“Quiet down far flung oceans. 

Listen!

Sit down and rest, everyone. 

Recover your strength.

Gather around me. 

ay what’s on your heart.

Together let’s decide what’s right.”

God says sit down, tell me what is on your heart, even though not a single thought escapes him and he already knows our deepest hopes and fears. These were the words I needed to hear.

A gentle father speaking to his daughter, "tell me, I’m listening" he whispers breaking through the sound of my heart felt tears.

The next day I awoke to this song on the radio.

 

It is a song wrapped up in memories for me, some happy and some sad, it reminds me of a relationship that wasn’t as good as it should have been, also of a sunny summer afternoon when all was right with the world.

“It’s hard to carry on when you feel all alone” 

laments Tim Booth the lead singer.

God replies “sit down and tell me what’s on your heart”

“Those who feel the breath of sadness

Sit down next to me

Those who find they’re touched by madness

Sit down next to me

Those who find themselves ridiculous

Sit down next to me,

In love, in fear, in hate, in tears.”

This morning I woke early and ended up having one of these moments, sad, mad and ridiculous. I literally ended up hugging the AGA, yes I know that makes me sound posh, crying my eyes out telling God all my woes and worries. The unadulterated truth.

All those thoughts that had been buzzing in my head from the past month, a month where I tried to fit in far too much suddenly exploded and God said, “Sit Down, tell me!”

It’s funny really because Andrew would rarely open up to me even when I knew something was bothering him. We all do it, shut ourselves away so easily, pretending all is fine. But bottling it up can only last so long.

A bit later in the day I heard this new release from Paloma Faith – Just Be.

I know this tune well, I have the album but today the lyrics seemed more appropriate than ever.

Yes it speaks of frustration but it is so honest about the difficulties we face in our daily lives, exposing them, acknowledging them instead of bottling them up until they explode.

Does God still speak today? Yes and he speaks to me at least not only through the words in the Bible but the in the songs that I hear every day on the radio.

It’s good to be reminded that he loves me and listens however he chooses to express that.

In return he longs for my response.

Whatever you are going through today remember to take time to sit down and just be...

Borrowed Words

I make no apologies that today’s words are borrowed and not my own. On unravelling-edges I was forever quoting song lyrics, the words that got me through the tough times. 

Song lyrics have always meant a lot to me. I remember writing down meaningful lyrics with friends while at sixth form, a bit of a teenage obsession really, each of us searching for the perfect words to express our adolescent circumstances.

And then there were the lyrics Andrew and I would quote/misquote (deliberately) to one another. They will forever remind me of us.

Just recently I’ve been thinking I could do with something new to listen to in the car, maybe it’s a sign of moving on, things changing, never static. There has been a slight shift in my thoughts of late, a turning over of a new page, potentially a chapter?

When out shopping yesterday I spied the new Keane album - Stangeland. As I have all their previous offerings I decided I needed to complete my collection and I wasn’t disappointed when the first words I heard were…

Fearful child have faith in brighter days

Stay until the darkness fades away…

… you’ve got time, you’ve got to try and bring some good into this world

Because you are young.

…and these were the other lyrics that touched a nerve and soothed a rough edge here and there.  As I listening I imagined they were written with me a mind, little 3 minute messages of hope.

… I see the landscape change before my eyes

The features I’ve been navigating by

No, nothing looks the way it did before

I don’t know where to look, or what to look for…

… we’ve been disconnected somehow…

I wish I could be your journey’s end

But you were only passing through…

Just say you’ll watch how you go

Be gracious with your light

And may the years be kind…

The things that we have shared

Will still remain behind now.

… your whole life lies ahead…

… when the world is laying you low

Why don’t you let me carry your load?

Golden light lies ahead

It’s just around the bend…

… Girl I still believe in you

You’re too good to fall so low

We’re going to find a better life I know

Things will be clearer

And soon as we make a start

We’ll be that much nearer

We’re too old to just stand here

Waiting to break apart.

… Some days set your world on fire

And some days sink like stones

That’s when your heart will cry out

Until your body is numb

And the night will try to tempt you

But the day will come…

… Things are going to change you know

The battles you have fought won’t go to waste you know

Things are going to change, it just takes time

"It's a very emotional album. The title track is about setting off in a certain path in life and thinking it's going to go one way, but finding out life's taken a detour. Pretty much every song on the album is about that. (But) it's a more hopeful record than it might sound!”

That was a quote from Tim Rice-Oxley pianist with Keane and it probably expains why the words mean so much to me, my life has taken a pretty dramatic detour.

To me the lyrics are amazingly hopeful, it's a beautiful album with not a duff track I feel the need to skip. I’m certain it will remain in the car for quite some time.