Dear God, I’ve been expecting you…

Today I am linking up with Ruth and Sabrina and their "letters to..." prompt

There seems to have been "something" going around recently, a lot of my blogging friends have felt overwhelmed by life and lacking in words to write. So today's prompt is called...

"A letter to... fill you in..."

It's a chance to catch up with what's been going on.  I decided to write my letter specifically to GOD... because I probably need to catch up with him as well as my friends...

Dear God, I’ve been expecting you…

This verse turned up on my facebook newsfeed today…

I remember two and a half years ago using it to end a blog post, Andrew had only been dead six months but I was so certain YOU would turn my life around just as this verse promised. YOU are the most high, YOU can do anything. I’ve read that verse that YOU have plans for me a thousand times…

…but here I am still hanging on…impatiently waiting.

I wish I knew what was going to happen when YOU eventually turn up! All my dreams appear to be in tatters and nowhere near coming true. I chase after rainbow promises filled with a renewed sense of hope that fizzles out within days.

At least that’s how it feels on a bad day and November has had far too many tear filled days and nights.

I suppose that is to be expected too – we passed the three year anniversary of Andrew’s death on Wednesday 13th. So I am now in my fourth year of being a widow – I SHOULD be better at this by now, less NEEDY and EMOTIONAL. The world has moved on and I am stuck in a rut waiting for the good things I thought YOU promised.

Perhaps I’ve been reading YOUR words all wrong, interpreting them in accordance to my own agenda.

I guess the time has arrived to put the daydreams to one side, pull my socks up and get on with life as it is NOW. After all I am supposed to be a grown up, I need to start acting like one and stop the temper tantrums. 

As a “friend” reminded me on Facebook I have much to be thankful for, my health, my children the blue sky etc etc etc!

I deleted that comment, feeling guilty at my lack of joy and selfish for wanting so much more and so full of rage. Tears bubbled over and… well it’s just NOT FAIR!

And yet the Psalms are full of indignation and anger at a God who doesn’t deliver in the way we want him to. 

God your shoulders are so wide they can accommodate my tears, my punches.

YOU said you were coming to rescue me, YOU said be brave, be strong…

I’m neither but I’m hanging on, not quite giving up…

…and I'm still here EXPECTING YOU!

Second Chances

Well I had this post all planned out, all bright and hopeful, uplifting and positive!

Two weeks ago you may remember I ended up in tears during a radio interview talking about my life and more particularly my faith as a young widow. Thankfully the interview was recorded rather than live and yesterday I had the opportunity to redeem myself and do it all over again without the blubbering.

Of course now I worry that my words came across as glib and unreal as I spoke positively of God upholding me in this storm and sending rainbows to brighten my day to give me hope.

In reality, especially at this time of year, I fluctuate wildly between happy, hopeful, sparkly Sarah and the Sarah who spirals downward quicker than you can blink out a bucketful of tears – pass me another tissue.

After my more successful second interview I ended up having a lovely day in York, I bought a new dress for Christmas day – a full priced dress from a posh boutique rather than a charity shop! I got a few Christmas pressies, had a free hand massage in Lush and went to wonderful little café for a delicious lunch.

So all was good and I was ready to write my blog. What actually happened between then and now is a bit of a mystery, however a myriad of tiny insignificant details, nagging doubts and general insecurities invaded my mind causing me to once again crash.

I intended to write about God’s mercy and how he gives us second chances all the time. 

It says in Lamentations 3: 22-24 

God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
    his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
    How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
    He’s all I’ve got left.

But at this moment far from feeling full of JOY the skies appear to be pitch black, there’s an occasional sparkle from a distant star, my mood lifts for a short while before I wonder again if God has abandoned me here in this blackhole after all. 

Have I finally used all my chances up? I feel insignificant and lost. Yes God gives me rainbows of promises but they tend to lead to dead ends rather than the new beginnings I long for. At least from my limited perspective!

It was because of these verses that a friend of mine would always say “Good morning” to everyone he met regardless of the hour of the day. His reasoning was if God’s mercies are limitless and new at the start of each and every day it must always be morning!

My friends and I used to shake our heads at his logic but actually I sort of hope it is true now. 

You see I’ve failed in my quest from the summer to choose joy, I’ve failed trying to be positive and thankful and to pray more. All those things I have written about before – how I was going to be a better person – well I’m not. My grand NaNoWriMo plan? I've not written another word since my last blog post - OK I am not stressing about it but I am a tad disappointed at my lack of commitment.

The world appears dark and gloomy, all I want to do today is sit and cry.

But thankfully I have more than two chances.

If I could do the radio interview for a third time I'm sure I could get a better balance between the tears and the hope but there are some things you have to draw a line under and just move on from.

Perhaps tomorrow will be brighter or perhaps even better a new day can start right here and now whatever timezone you are in…*

…Good Morning Everyone!

*actually I am in my PJs now and ready for bed but I'm heading up the stairs with a smile on my face, and for me today that is a huge achievement!

It's been one of "those" days...

Rain again, big heavy drops of it bouncing on the roof – it was sunny an hour ago but now the blue skies have been obliterated once more by dirty grey clouds.

It’s been one of “those” days.

A friend posted a gorgeous photo of a rainbow on his facebook page. His office is high up so the view of colour tumbling to the streets below was particularly striking.

No rainbows here – I’ve searched – it’s hopeless.

It’s been one of “those” days.

Sunshine and showers.

Laughter and tears.

Tissues and chocolate required in equal measure.

And now my free time is running out, being squeezed just as the words start to flow.

But I just needed to tell you…

It’s been one of “those” days.

A stolen rainbow!

unexpected phone call...

Sometimes I get the feeling that God’s on the move, I get a sense that something momentous is about to happen.

Sometimes I am even proved right when the most unexpected things occur out of the blue.

Because I am not always right I don’t totally trust these feelings but yesterday was such a day with thoughts bubbling away beneath the surface.

Now I am a girl with a great imagination, I can daydream the most impossible scenarios which in my head seem completely plausible. If God wants to surprise me he’s got to come up with something spectacular.

It was as simple as a phone call.

It was the estate agent ringing to say someone is interested in buying my house, my house that has not even been on the market for a year. 

(I’ve just found last year’s diary, it was a year ago exactly that I bounced on the bed and started pulling woodchip wallpaper off my bedroom ceiling with a view to decorating and staying put for the time being. I have been busy with my home improvements ever since.)

God has always had plans for this house, trouble is he never tells me the whole story; I get cross, confused and have ended up in tears so many times as I struggle to understand what’s going on but somewhere behind the scenes God had been working things out.

Now this may all come to nothing, in which case I can enjoy my new kitchen, eat my strawberries, look forward to the greengages that may appear next year and spend another cosy Christmas sat beside my real log fire.

On the other hand I could be at the beginning of a brand new chapter, perhaps an entirely new story is unfolding…

I could write a long list of pros and cons however I’m trying not to think about it too much, I’m not even looking for a new house yet, although my best friend has already found a few possible properties I should investigate.

I am going to try to be still, trusting God and his plans. I don’t understand them, they make no sense to me especially when I have just spent two months living in total kitchen chaos.

Doing the unexpected seems to be God's specialty!

Two days before Andrew died God sent me a rainbow, typically while I was driving, and the song I was listening to had these words,

          “Forever God is faithful

Forever God is strong

Forever God is with us

Forever, forever

From the rising to the setting sun

His love endures forever

And by the grace of God we will carry on

His love endures forever”

Although I never knew what was about to happen, I knew for certain God was with us and have always held onto that thought.

This week I’ve been listening to two other songs in the car the first is called Faithful, this time by the Rend Collective Experiment,

               

            "There’s no words that you’ve spoken

That haven’t brought hope

No promise you’ve made

You haven’t fulfilled”

And then God you are my God by Pete James, which I have sung as a prayer for the past week or so as I try to figure out what I am supposed to be doing,

            "God you are my God 

            And earnestly I seek you 

            God you are my God 

            And earnestly I seek you

            And my soul longs for you

            And my soul longs for you

            One thing I ask,  and one thing I seek

That all the days of my life

I may dwell in Your house

And gaze on your beauty."

 

So all I have to do is cling on and wait and see where this adventure takes us because I know for sure that God is right in the middle of all that has happened, is happening and will happen ...

Watch this space!

No Rainbows Today!

Over the last few days I have been full of cold and feeling rather sorry for myself. When I got back from church oldest son was quietly revising for his last exam tomorrow, I’d managed to get a friend to look after youngest son for a couple of hours so I was all set to curl up on the sofa under a blanket with a lemsip and a movie.

“Notting Hill” – I decided as I drove home, a bit of romance and Hugh Grant – perfect. Only when I checked I realised I don’t have it on DVD, I had a video copy but I got rid of all my videos a while ago, with a view to downsizing and moving to a smaller house.

I choose "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" instead – no Hugh Grant but I reasoned it would remind me that I wasn’t too old for romance and adventure, even if I do still have to wait until the boys have left home I’ve hopefully got plenty of years ahead of me!

So I was merrily planning a blog post with this theme while enjoying the film when the phone rang. I paused the DVD.

Youngest son wanted to come home, he’d been fed but wanted his own space. In return he promised to leave me alone in peace.

I snuggled back under the blanket and pressed play, I watched another half an hour or so with maybe one or two minor interruptions. 

There was an almighty thunderstorm, which I stopped the film to watch. The drive had turned into a river. Still pondering today's blog I thought maybe I could write about thunder and lightning and the first time I wasn’t scared of a storm – I’ve filed that away for another day now – it would make a good post.

The storm passed and I continued the film.

Suddenly there was a heated argument in the hall between the boys ending with the ominous sound of breaking glass, a lot of crying and a shout of “mum!”

Thankfully it wasn’t quite as dramatic as the noise suggested, a football had been kicked in the porch and a window was smashed. No injuries, no blood and that particular pane of glass had been cracked for years.

More shouting followed, this time from me as I sent both boys upstairs and set about clearing the debris.

I’m fortunate really, I have two boys and we’ve never had many serious incidents like this.

However glass had shattered EVERYWHERE, mostly on the gravel in front of the porch but some shards had reached and scratched the car, bits were under the car and when I investigated further I found fragments on the roof too!

Carefully I collected every piece as the rain started to fall again. It was a sunshine and showers sort of a day. I looked up half hoping a see a rainbow, a promise from God that this too would pass and everything would be alright.

But there were no rainbows for me today and actually for once I didn’t mind. I didn’t need a new promise, I’m holding on to all the old ones and today they are enough to keep me going.

At church this morning we had a chance to share something we are thankful for and I shared twice! Firstly for the kitchen floor and hot and cold running water. Secondly this week a little girl said hello to me in the supermarket followed by telling her mum, “she comes into to school to tell us bible stories.” It’s lovely to get this reaction to our Open the Book team assemblies.

Once I started counting my blessings I remembered more. 

A walk with friends, my growing veg patch, a compliment and an insurance cheque in the post.

Despite feeling rotten, having a half-finished kitchen and having a funeral song in the service for the second week running which has made me cry, I know God is holding me tightly and won’t let go. Rainbow or no rainbow.

Another blessing today was that my friend’s husband came round to board up the window, it meant another interruption to my afternoon but eventually I watched the Marigold Hotel to the end in peace.

Here’s one of the great quotes from the film…

“Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end.”

Sounds good to me!