Second Chances

Well I had this post all planned out, all bright and hopeful, uplifting and positive!

Two weeks ago you may remember I ended up in tears during a radio interview talking about my life and more particularly my faith as a young widow. Thankfully the interview was recorded rather than live and yesterday I had the opportunity to redeem myself and do it all over again without the blubbering.

Of course now I worry that my words came across as glib and unreal as I spoke positively of God upholding me in this storm and sending rainbows to brighten my day to give me hope.

In reality, especially at this time of year, I fluctuate wildly between happy, hopeful, sparkly Sarah and the Sarah who spirals downward quicker than you can blink out a bucketful of tears – pass me another tissue.

After my more successful second interview I ended up having a lovely day in York, I bought a new dress for Christmas day – a full priced dress from a posh boutique rather than a charity shop! I got a few Christmas pressies, had a free hand massage in Lush and went to wonderful little café for a delicious lunch.

So all was good and I was ready to write my blog. What actually happened between then and now is a bit of a mystery, however a myriad of tiny insignificant details, nagging doubts and general insecurities invaded my mind causing me to once again crash.

I intended to write about God’s mercy and how he gives us second chances all the time. 

It says in Lamentations 3: 22-24 

God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
    his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
    How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
    He’s all I’ve got left.

But at this moment far from feeling full of JOY the skies appear to be pitch black, there’s an occasional sparkle from a distant star, my mood lifts for a short while before I wonder again if God has abandoned me here in this blackhole after all. 

Have I finally used all my chances up? I feel insignificant and lost. Yes God gives me rainbows of promises but they tend to lead to dead ends rather than the new beginnings I long for. At least from my limited perspective!

It was because of these verses that a friend of mine would always say “Good morning” to everyone he met regardless of the hour of the day. His reasoning was if God’s mercies are limitless and new at the start of each and every day it must always be morning!

My friends and I used to shake our heads at his logic but actually I sort of hope it is true now. 

You see I’ve failed in my quest from the summer to choose joy, I’ve failed trying to be positive and thankful and to pray more. All those things I have written about before – how I was going to be a better person – well I’m not. My grand NaNoWriMo plan? I've not written another word since my last blog post - OK I am not stressing about it but I am a tad disappointed at my lack of commitment.

The world appears dark and gloomy, all I want to do today is sit and cry.

But thankfully I have more than two chances.

If I could do the radio interview for a third time I'm sure I could get a better balance between the tears and the hope but there are some things you have to draw a line under and just move on from.

Perhaps tomorrow will be brighter or perhaps even better a new day can start right here and now whatever timezone you are in…*

…Good Morning Everyone!

*actually I am in my PJs now and ready for bed but I'm heading up the stairs with a smile on my face, and for me today that is a huge achievement!