Saturday, 9 November 2013

Second Chances



Well I had this post all planned out, all bright and hopeful, uplifting and positive!

Two weeks ago you may remember I ended up in tears during a radio interview talking about my life and more particularly my faith as a young widow. Thankfully the interview was recorded rather than live and yesterday I had the opportunity to redeem myself and do it all over again without the blubbering.

Of course now I worry that my words came across as glib and unreal as I spoke positively of God upholding me in this storm and sending rainbows to brighten my day to give me hope.

In reality, especially at this time of year, I fluctuate wildly between happy, hopeful, sparkly Sarah and the Sarah who spirals downward quicker than you can blink out a bucketful of tears – pass me another tissue.

After my more successful second interview I ended up having a lovely day in York, I bought a new dress for Christmas day – a full priced dress from a posh boutique rather than a charity shop! I got a few Christmas pressies, had a free hand massage in Lush and went to wonderful little cafĂ© for a delicious lunch.

So all was good and I was ready to write my blog. What actually happened between then and now is a bit of a mystery, however a myriad of tiny insignificant details, nagging doubts and general insecurities invaded my mind causing me to once again crash.

I intended to write about God’s mercy and how he gives us second chances all the time. 

It says in Lamentations 3: 22-24 

God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
    his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
    How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
    He’s all I’ve got left.

But at this moment far from feeling full of JOY the skies appear to be pitch black, there’s an occasional sparkle from a distant star, my mood lifts for a short while before I wonder again if God has abandoned me here in this blackhole after all. 

Have I finally used all my chances up? I feel insignificant and lost. Yes God gives me rainbows of promises but they tend to lead to dead ends rather than the new beginnings I long for. At least from my limited perspective!

It was because of these verses that a friend of mine would always say “Good morning” to everyone he met regardless of the hour of the day. His reasoning was if God’s mercies are limitless and new at the start of each and every day it must always be morning!

My friends and I used to shake our heads at his logic but actually I sort of hope it is true now. 

You see I’ve failed in my quest from the summer to choose joy, I’ve failed trying to be positive and thankful and to pray more. All those things I have written about before – how I was going to be a better person – well I’m not. My grand NaNoWriMo plan? I've not written another word since my last blog post - OK I am not stressing about it but I am a tad disappointed at my lack of commitment.

The world appears dark and gloomy, all I want to do today is sit and cry.

But thankfully I have more than two chances.

If I could do the radio interview for a third time I'm sure I could get a better balance between the tears and the hope but there are some things you have to draw a line under and just move on from.

Perhaps tomorrow will be brighter or perhaps even better a new day can start right here and now whatever timezone you are in…*

…Good Morning Everyone!


*actually I am in my PJs now and ready for bed but I'm heading up the stairs with a smile on my face, and for me today that is a huge achievement!


10 comments:

  1. Good morning, Sarah. It is in moods like this that I listen to hymns in floods of tears. Yet somehow I feel better afterwards. Perhaps it will do the same for you. http://youtu.be/tdFqzPBaDJA Sending hugs.

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    1. Thanks for that Jo-Anne, that song always reminds me of my first visit to Greenbelt (a Christian Festival) back in the late 80s - happy memories and lovely words - although yes I did cry!

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  2. Bless you for your honesty, Sarah - and praying for you all this week. F. xx

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    1. Thanks Fiona for all your kind messages and prayers - they mean a lot xx

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  3. Sarah, I'm first in the failure brigade too - all the things I know to be right and true, the things I also blog about are the things I find hardest to live out myself. And that's okay because we write to remind ourselves of truth. Your words have such a raw beauty, that no one could fail to be moved and challenged by them Thanks so much for sharing them xxxx

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    1. Thanks - funny how you are always tripped up as soon as you write about something - I guess we are always learning and thankfully God is always gracious x

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  4. Oh my goodness Sarah you made me cry. I haven't anything profound or insightful to add - the only thing going through my mind is how you definitely haven't failed. The beautiful honesty of your words will help so many people and God uses even the bleakest moments that don't turn out how we wanted them to. He brings beauty from ashes and yes, His mercies are new every morning. And every afternoon and evening too.
    Thank you for sharing this. Don't be discouraged about your writing. Whether you manage 50,000 words in November or half a dozen they will be worth reading.

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    1. sorry for making you cry - I'm quite good at that!
      and thanks for you encouraging words xx

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  5. Oh, Sarah, my heart goes out to you. This raw honesty speaks of the soul of a great writer who is not afraid to share sunshine and shadows, smiles and tears. You will have better days and make the progress you desire. For now, rest and lean, my friend. Let God enfold you in His warm and comforting embrace, hold you close and whisper His rejoicing love-song over you. The more you simply turn to Him, the more you will emerge renewed, restored and refreshed by His grace and be ready to face a new dawn. And we'll be waiting to read your words as eagerly as ever. Blessings and love Xx

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    1. Joy your words of encouragement are always such a blessing - thanks for taking the time to comment here xx

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