There seems to have been "something" going around recently, a lot of my blogging friends have felt overwhelmed by life and lacking in words to write. So today's prompt is called...
"A letter to... fill you in..."
It's a chance to catch up with what's been going on. I decided to write my letter specifically to GOD... because I probably need to catch up with him as well as my friends...
Dear God, I’ve been expecting you…
This verse turned up on my facebook newsfeed today…
I remember two and a half years ago using it to end a blog post, Andrew had only been dead six months but I was so certain YOU would turn
my life around just as this verse promised. YOU are the most high, YOU can do
anything. I’ve read that verse that YOU have plans for me a thousand times…
…but here I am still hanging on…impatiently waiting.
I wish I knew what was going to happen when YOU eventually
turn up! All my dreams appear to be in tatters and nowhere near coming true. I
chase after rainbow promises filled with a renewed sense of hope that fizzles
out within days.
At least that’s how it feels on a bad day and November has
had far too many tear filled days and nights.
I suppose that is to be expected too – we passed the three
year anniversary of Andrew’s death on Wednesday 13th. So I am now in my fourth
year of being a widow – I SHOULD be better at this by now, less NEEDY and
EMOTIONAL. The world has moved on and I am stuck in a rut waiting for the good
things I thought YOU promised.
Perhaps I’ve been reading YOUR words all wrong, interpreting
them in accordance to my own agenda.
I guess the time has arrived to put the daydreams to one
side, pull my socks up and get on with life as it is NOW. After all I am supposed
to be a grown up, I need to start acting like one and stop the temper tantrums.
As a “friend” reminded me on Facebook I have much to be
thankful for, my health, my children the blue sky etc etc etc!
I deleted that comment, feeling guilty at my lack of joy and
selfish for wanting so much more and so full of rage. Tears bubbled over and…
well it’s just NOT FAIR!
And yet the Psalms are full of indignation and anger at a
God who doesn’t deliver in the way we want him to.
God your shoulders are so wide they can accommodate my
tears, my punches.
YOU said you were coming to rescue me, YOU said be brave, be
strong…
I’m neither but I’m hanging on, not quite giving up…
…and I'm still here EXPECTING YOU!
Oh, Sarah. Exactly. We wait and wait and I wonder if we have an expectation of what God will look like when he DOES turn up - and I've no doubt that I can't box him up and label him no matter how hard I try. I think you're doing everything right - keep waiting, keep hanging on - keep expecting with an open mind. Put like that it sounds quite easy... praying for you.
ReplyDeleteOh Sarah, yes there is so much to be thankful for - but it doesn't cancel out losing someone you love. Also I wonder if maybe you aren't giving yourself enough credit ;-) Your attitude and wonderful resilience shines through here - that's a testament to your character and to God's grace.
ReplyDeleteI totally echo Helen's words here, keep being expectant. Thank you so much for linking up with this wonderful post, lots of love x
Thank you so much for linking up with us! I can't imagine what it must feel like to lose a loved one so close to you but I can say hand on heart that you are brave and resilient even if it doesn't feel like it. Just the ability to keep going and keep trusting and keep EXPECTING proves this. A beautiful post x
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