My head is full of thoughts and to use my unravelling/reravelling analogies the thread are completely tangled.
As I frantically try to unknot them I keep coming back to one single issue…
…the issue of singleness!
It’s becoming quite unavoidable and if I don’t write down all my thoughts my head will most likely explode!
I’ve been a smug married, so sure of myself and my place in the world. I’ve been loved, accepted, wanted, desired even – who would have thought that gauche, awkward teenager with no boyfriend would one day blossom into the beautiful swan, get married and have her own happy ending?
Only that ended abruptly when Andrew died unexpectedly leaving me with new titles to contend with – widow and single mum – to be truthful I don’t like either!
But widowed also means single again, I have tumbled down that slippery serpent on the snakes and ladders board back to square one with a bump.
At about the same time Andrew died, my brother’s marriage fell apart. He is now divorced and single. He doesn’t like the single title either so he is actively seeking someone new in his life through online dating.
“You should try it.” He says as he shows off his profile.
“I have tried it.” I remind him. “I didn’t like it.”
(you can read Holding out for a Hero and Sounded like a good idea - but can I have my money back? by clicking on the links!)
I also remind him I have a very specific wish list, top of which is I want to find a man who is a Christian.
He raises an eyebrow and tells me there are decent men out there who do not believe in Jesus or share my faith.
“But if God wants me to marry again, He will find me someone!” I say with conviction offering up another desperate prayer that my knight in shining armour will ride into town soon.
My brother’s eyebrows are both raised now, he’s an atheist, thinks I am a bit mad in this department and I’m sure he is convinced my God has let me down!
Sometimes I think my brother has a point – where is God when I need him?
This is when God smiles down at me and posts a few encouraging words on Facebook via my global network of friends – believe me he is working on this one, night and day, he is always on my side and he has a special place in his heart for widows!
So where is my handsome prince? Or perhaps more importantly does he even exist?
There are a few more threads I need to unpick to attack these questions.
Truthfully I am not sure I am ready for a new relationship, there I’ve actually said it/ written it - same thing!
(Take a deep breath – those words are out there now as hard as they are to admit!)
However much I desire a new man in my life the gauche, awkward teenage Sarah is back and she has a few lessons to re-learn.
Number one is how to be “happy single”.
This notion of being “happy single” is nothing new. I even achieved it once – guess when that was?
Right before Andrew asked me out! Literally that week the thought had gone through my head that if a man came along I wasn’t interested – ha!
I was content and happy, didn’t have a clue where my life was going when suddenly this man I’d known for a while, who was on the edge of my existence was catapulted into the centre of my world – here he was - THE ONE - ta dah!
Ok so I didn’t know he was THE ONE right at the very start but it didn’t take long to join the dots and see where this was heading!
But before that it took me many years to realise this “happy single” state, to be friends with the girl in the mirror who stared back at me every morning, to know that she was valuable, worthy and lovable despite her boyfriendless state.
This time around I have discovered the most wonderful book to help me to keep me grounded.
It is called The Single Woman and it is written by a gorgeous young woman called Mandy Hale, who is still single in her thirties because she is just too fabulous to settle for anything but the best!
|Mandy's book not only contains the wisest of words but it is one of the most beautiful books ever - inside and out!|
I could sit here and quote her all day, but just go and follow her on Twitter or Facebook and her wise words will pop up all over your newsfeed. If you need encouragement she is the girl to go to.
For a daydreamer like me, head in the clouds, always searching for a happy ending she has this most wonderful piece of advice…
“The real fairy tale is designing a life so amazing that you don’t want to be rescued from it.”
Now this worries me slightly because it means I have got to relinquish my control and declare that I want to be happy on my own in the knowledge that this is the way things may end up.
Prince charming may NEVER arrive. Andrew may remain the one and only love of my life.
But if I don’t learn to let go, I will never move forward.
It is no longer Andrew I need to let go of, I know he’s never coming back, that part of my life is over but I need to step into a world of being fabulously single, of making singleness my choice rather than my default setting because of circumstances beyond my control.
If I don’t do this I will continually be tripped up at every turn, tangled up in a half-life, miserably waiting for Mr Right to come along and somehow make me complete.
I don't want to live my life like that - it's so unattractive!
Therefore singleness in no longer on the agenda for debate or discussion – it is no longer the single most important issue!
And for those wobbly times when my resolve fails and I forget I’m going to keep my copy of The Single Woman close at hand and God even closer!