I feel as if I have let myself down.
Today was supposed to be a good day, a grown up day where I left to catch the train before the boys had even left for school.
I was heading for York for a radio interview to be aired on Christmas day as part of the Archbishop’s Christmas broadcast. It had all come about because of the Faith Stories book published earlier in the year, in which I am a contributor.
(Here's another post about my experience - A leap too far? )
Everything connected with the book has been exciting but every event always leaves me in tears and today was the worst.
I think it’s because we are approaching the anniversary – three years, so much has changed and yet so much has stayed the same.
In the early days I thought these feeling would be over by now and I would have moved on both geographically and emotionally as if putting down one novel and beginning another set in a different world with a whole range of new characters.
Real life is not like that – I can’t quite believe my thoughts were once so naïve!
Today as soon as I started talking about Andrew the tears bubbled up and have been raging like a flood on and off all day.
My radio interview was a total disaster! I was speaking about having hope in my faith without an ounce of hopefulness in my voice. To be honest I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide under the desk.
This is the life I long for, I want to be a writer with days interspersed with speaking engagements and radio interviews talking about my writing, sharing my words of wisdom on grief – ha – what do I really know.
I could always write a book about how to fall apart ungracefully and blub your way round a city – remember to always carry tissues in you handbag especially when venturing out alone and don’t overdo the mascara.
Grieving is such hard work - am I doing something wrong after all this time?
I complained on Twitter and Facebook
“What I hate most about grief - its ability to ruin what could have been a great day with a torrent of tears & an overwhelming sense of loss.”
A friend posted this in reply
“Grief is not bad though, in that its depth measures the love we have enjoyed and thus is a foundation of our character as long as we do not defend against it or avoid it in the future.”
On reflection perhaps I am actually grieving well after all and if I had moved on it would should how little I really cared. Maybe if my voice hadn’t cracked exposing my emotions it would have been more telling. In the grand scheme of things three years is a short space of time.
Well that’s my positive spin on things for today – now pass me another tissue…