BIG stuff verses small stuff

I’ve calmed down a bit now but an hour ago I was in tears, ranting and raving. 

                

All I wanted to do was update my iPod. It’s been over a year since I last did it, and the collection of CDs not available to listen to on my iPod is growing steadily.

I stopped using iTunes when the family computer packed in knowing I would have to download it all again onto another machine, the thought of maybe having to start from scratch with all my CDs seemed like too much hassle.

But then I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with iTunes, every few months a new version comes out and you have to re-learn how it works and in these days when everything is instant it always seems to take forever to do the simplest task.

Well today I downloaded the new updated version onto my laptop and even managed to get a CD into the system but I can’t figure out how to upload to my iPod without losing every other song I’ve ever added.

Sometimes I think I’ll just wait until I get a new Apple device and I’ll start over again and everything will be right with the world!

However iTunes is not really the problem.

The real issue is everything seems out of my control. I am waiting for my viewing on Saturday and tinkering with all the little problems round the edges, dealing with the cluttered corners and cupboards that bring a quick fix satisfaction. While still avoiding filing the paperwork and the huge mess left in the dining room after the kitchen re-fit.

I’ve written lots of flash fiction this week too – a pure distraction but it’s taken me away from writing about grief and working on my Unravelling-Edges manuscript – didn’t I once say I wanted a first draft written by the summer holidays?

Once again I can’t cope with the BIG stuff. Yet my stomach is churning because the BIG stuff is going on all around me.

I may have to make some pretty dramatic decisions in the coming months, perhaps weeks, possibly even days! And that scares me because I am on my own.

Friends and family are great, I don't know where I would be without them but I really want someone special in my life again, someone to work together with and make decisions as a family that affect the pair of us and the boys.

Two years ago I wrote this - “My Life in A Day”  Even back then my thoughts revolved round three BIG hopes for the future, new house, some kind of writing career and finding someone new to share my life with. Andrew hadn’t even been dead a year – such shocking behaviour! 

Sometimes I feel like a stuck record – what will there be left to write about once all my dreams have come true?

Then a year ago I gave up on all my wishes until I was unexpectedly rescued by Dark Knight – will I ever know his true identity?

So I sit here thoughts going round in circles, like the fly currently buzzing round my head. I’m babbling a load of nonsense in favour of switching off the laptop and doing something more constructive instead…

But in between thinking about this post, writing it and being in a strop I took some lunch to oldest son. He’s helping out at the local tennis club with the under 8s. 

“Hello!” called one little boy as I walked through the gate. 

“Hello!” I replied.

“You do assemblies at our school!”

“Yes I do.” I said with a smile.

That little conversation made my day, just the recognition and joy on the boy's face.

Some things may never seem to change, some things may be too BIG for me to understand but life has moved on this year and that little act of going into school each week and telling Bible stories has made an impact on the children and on me too.

Perhaps concentrating on the small stuff is OK after all.

That's My Goal

Last January I came up with a whole list of New Year’s resolutions and I did a reasonably good job at keeping most of them, if you don’t include the filing! 

However I decided to make things simple for 2013 and have one key priority. I want to be able to say "that’s my goal" for this year.

I was immediately distracted when I thought “isn’t that a song?”

Quick search on Google and I found this…

Shane Ward X Factor winner back in 2005, I remember it well, I voted for Journey South that year – but I digress…

I am going to totally contradict myself today, so what’s new, my brother says I do it all the time.

In my last post I was hypothetically planning my future wedding for when I meet the new man of my dreams. Last year one of my resolutions was to give on-line dating a go, finding someone new was higher up on my agenda than getting more exercise!

But the truth is although I long for someone to look at me in the same way as the groom eyed up the bride at the wedding the other day my number one priority this year is writing.

I can sit dreaming like a lovelorn teenager all year and never get anywhere 

OR

I can write and pursue my more creative goals. 

At least by doing the latter I will have produced something tangible by the end of 2013.

Then this popped up on Facebook the other day 

Was this a sign that I should I go and find him?

Oh I’m feeling very dithery at the moment and Facebook keeps recommending an on-line dating site I should try – half price at the moment – bargain – yes/no? My fingers hover over the keyboard…

No I will remain resolute and I am afraid Prince Charming will have to figure out his own rescue plan because I am going to be far too busy in 2013. 

Obviously if he would like to drop by and sweep me off my feet following the more conventional customs I shall consider it! Although youngest son has categorically stated I am not allowed to replace his dad so any future suitors for my hand will have a fight on their hands to convince him they are worthy.

Maybe/actually (*delete as applicable depending on mood) deep down I am scared of what a new relationship might bring with it. There are so many hurdles to be negotiated perhaps finding an agent/publisher/book deal is the easier option?

So that's settled then - my goal this year is to write, write a bit more and then continue writing. I will endeavour to keep a record of the number of words and make sure that each week I am adding to the total of my WIP on top of the blogging and flash fiction totals.

There are a few on-line schemes to tap into to record your word totals and keep on track, a bit like NaNoWriMo but I intend instead to keep typing away at my own pace. 

I will keep you up to date with my progress, I don’t promise a weekly total or even a monthly statement but please keep asking me about my Esther story and egging me on, in return every now and then I will show you something I have written...

2013 - Writing - That's my goal!

Visual Dare Triple #NaNoWriMo Sneak Peek

Angela Goff has done it again!

What?

Posted some great picture prompts for her Visual Dare.

We are still just in November and this is the final TRIPLE Visual Dare with a few extra rules...

Your mission is to:
     * Pick the one that grabs you the most.
     * Use it to write a story in 100 words OR LESS. (I'm counting this month!! Mind!!)
     * BONUS POINTS: Make your entry an excerpt from your current NaNoWriMo story.
     * BONUS BONUS POINTS: Use all three photographs (somehow!) in your entry!
     * Add your entry via the cool linky thing below. Be sure to link directly to your Visual Dare post, and not your home page. (You want everyone to see your amazingness straight away!)

I chose this obscure little pic because it fired something off in my imagination.

I may have set my NaNoWriMo ambitions aside but The Book of Esther is still very much alive and kicking in my imagination.

This picture takes the story right back to the beginning, the first chapter, possibly even a prologue. It is written by Cai and is his perspective of the world he and Esther find themselves living in.

It strips the story down to my original idea, hinting at the faith and belief system that set Esther and Cai apart from most of the population.

Probably my most revealing NaNo Snippet yet...

It is as if the powerful of this world took a huge pair of scissors to our history books, cutting out the bits they didn’t want us to read.

And then they removed the pencils so we could no longer write down what we saw or even the stories we might have imagined.

“What are books?”

“What are pencils?”

Dare you ask?

Others shrug - “dead information” you don’t need because otherwise you would have been taught it.

The high ideals have all been corrupted along the way, shifting out of kilter like the tectonic plates that move beneath our feet.

100 words exactly - how's that Angela?

Excuses and Reality

I’ve not written much recently. Despite the NaNoWriMo rush to conquer the highest peaks of the graph mine has stayed resolutely at the same plateau for about a week.

Now I could offer you an almost exhaustive list of excuses,

• I’m still grieving and this time of year is too hard for me emotionally

• I’ve had a cold and been feeling unwell

• It’s so close to Christmas and I have both boys birthday’s to sort out in December

• As a single parent I have no one here to help me out

• Other people are so competitive with their 50,000 words written in the first week of November, I prefer to take things slower

• Some people haven’t even written as much as me, so actually I am doing fine, what else is the 29th for except have a last mad dash to the finish line!

• I’m procrastinating

• I’m a rebel at heart

As I said a long list and all true in one way or another.

I have found the last few days difficult. However much I try and avoid grief, put on a brave face and carry on it somehow finds me and wallop I’m down and out for the count blubbing!

It doesn’t help that I have been feeling under the weather.

Oldest son has a birthday 9th December and youngest son on the 20th – such bad planning!

I don’t have someone to help cook the tea, do the ironing or play taxi driver and ferry the boys to and fro to their activities. As it is I am sitting typing this at the local tennis club while oldest son has a lesson – multitasking is second nature.

But the truth is I don’t need excuses, I certainly don’t need to explain to you why I’ve stopped writing for NaNo. This is after all my decision and I long ago came to the conclusion that I know best when it comes to things concerning me.

Many people are already supportive; I have made the most wonderful friends through taking part, including a Facebook group that has grown into an excellent source of encouragement and inspiration. It amazes me what a close group of friends has developed sharing so much and all having this common bond of writing. Kindred spirits who understand.

I have learnt a tremendous amount from the experience too, firstly that planning is essential, I know I didn’t do enough, but never realised until I really got going with the story.

Characters that didn’t even exist in the original book of Esther have appeared in my head and on the page, and my heroine has a back story that I would love to develop into a prequel, perhaps long term this could even be a trilogy?

Because the most important thing is I have over 25,000 words I didn’t have before, I have a viable story and once I’ve ironed out a few kinks I know I CAN write this.

The excerpts I have shared have been well received and I have people wanting to find out what happens next.

Maybe November wasn’t the best time to write etc. etc. – whatever the excuse, the reason, I know this is the right decision for me to take rather than blindly write on regardless.

Ultimately I want quality over quantity and although the NaNo experience has been fantastic for this year it is time to call it a day.

Next year? Who knows … as I said I have a prequel bubbling away.

Now excuse me but I have to go, the room here is noisy, not especially conducive to writing, I much prefer quiet, but maybe I just need space without the children calling me or the household distractions being on hand, whatever the reasons or excuses for or against I am writing because in the end it’s what I choose to do!