I’ve calmed down a bit now but an hour ago I was in tears, ranting and raving.
All I wanted to do was update my iPod. It’s been over a year since I last did it, and the collection of CDs not available to listen to on my iPod is growing steadily.
I stopped using iTunes when the family computer packed in knowing I would have to download it all again onto another machine, the thought of maybe having to start from scratch with all my CDs seemed like too much hassle.
But then I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with iTunes, every few months a new version comes out and you have to re-learn how it works and in these days when everything is instant it always seems to take forever to do the simplest task.
Well today I downloaded the new updated version onto my laptop and even managed to get a CD into the system but I can’t figure out how to upload to my iPod without losing every other song I’ve ever added.
Sometimes I think I’ll just wait until I get a new Apple device and I’ll start over again and everything will be right with the world!
However iTunes is not really the problem.
The real issue is everything seems out of my control. I am waiting for my viewing on Saturday and tinkering with all the little problems round the edges, dealing with the cluttered corners and cupboards that bring a quick fix satisfaction. While still avoiding filing the paperwork and the huge mess left in the dining room after the kitchen re-fit.
I’ve written lots of flash fiction this week too – a pure distraction but it’s taken me away from writing about grief and working on my Unravelling-Edges manuscript – didn’t I once say I wanted a first draft written by the summer holidays?
Once again I can’t cope with the BIG stuff. Yet my stomach is churning because the BIG stuff is going on all around me.
I may have to make some pretty dramatic decisions in the coming months, perhaps weeks, possibly even days! And that scares me because I am on my own.
Friends and family are great, I don't know where I would be without them but I really want someone special in my life again, someone to work together with and make decisions as a family that affect the pair of us and the boys.
Two years ago I wrote this - “My Life in A Day” Even back then my thoughts revolved round three BIG hopes for the future, new house, some kind of writing career and finding someone new to share my life with. Andrew hadn’t even been dead a year – such shocking behaviour!
Sometimes I feel like a stuck record – what will there be left to write about once all my dreams have come true?
Then a year ago I gave up on all my wishes until I was unexpectedly rescued by Dark Knight – will I ever know his true identity?
So I sit here thoughts going round in circles, like the fly currently buzzing round my head. I’m babbling a load of nonsense in favour of switching off the laptop and doing something more constructive instead…
But in between thinking about this post, writing it and being in a strop I took some lunch to oldest son. He’s helping out at the local tennis club with the under 8s.
“Hello!” called one little boy as I walked through the gate.
“Hello!” I replied.
“You do assemblies at our school!”
“Yes I do.” I said with a smile.
That little conversation made my day, just the recognition and joy on the boy's face.
Some things may never seem to change, some things may be too BIG for me to understand but life has moved on this year and that little act of going into school each week and telling Bible stories has made an impact on the children and on me too.
Perhaps concentrating on the small stuff is OK after all.