Occupation versus Passion

Inevitably it happened again, the form asked for me to fill in my occupation.

SIGH

What do I write? I don’t work so I write “full time mum” then add “part time charity shop volunteer” for good measure as a way of showing I am not really so boring and predictable.

I want to write sooooo much more – that must be the writer in me!

How do I sum up what I do, and why oh why is it so important for everyone else to define it?

I noticed on my car insurance my occupation is listed as housewife/husband – hmmm I strangely like that, at least it sort of values, even unintentionally, that I am both mum and dad - actually!

Then this tweet appeared on my twitter feed

If I asked you, instead of what you do for a living, what your passion is in life, what would you say?

“Great question” I tweeted back, which then begs the next question – how would I answer the first one?

Obviously my greatest passion is my boys, they are EVERYTHING to me, even when they are complete pains.

I was yelling at oldest son the other day in the car, complaining yet again that I have no freedom to do what I want and haven’t had since the day he was born – OUCH!

“I’m sorry I’ve ruined your life!” He said back – he’s much calmer than me!

Then I had to hastily take it all back – how did I get to be so cruel? If it wasn’t for the boys where would I be? Without them my life would have completely collapsed on 13th November 2010. There would have been no reason to get out of bed or carry on in the days/weeks/months and now years that have followed.

I am very passionate about my boys. I want to see them succeed in what they want to “do” – the irony of that is not lost on me!

I want them to enjoy life, to have friends who love them, to grow up to be compassionate and caring. I want the world to see how amazing they are the way I do on a good day!

No children should have to lose their dad aged 13 or 10 and yet they are growing into fabulous young men before my eyes even without a major male role model to look up to.

I am also passionate that they know Jesus, who is actually the most perfect role model they could ever follow.

But I can’t make them share my beliefs and I pray that one day it will make sense to them too. 

God’s got a bit of work to do to convince oldest son especially that He is a loving God even when He allowed their dad to die. I just trust God is big enough to sort that one out some day because I have NO answers!

However it is not just my own children who I want to share the Good News of Jesus with. This morning I have been in school again with the Open the Book team to tell another Bible story.

It is evident I am passionate on a Wednesday morning as I almost bounce Tigger-like into school. I love the dressing up, the story telling and I enjoy interacting with a whole room full of kids and making the Bible come alive for them because to me the stories are very important, yes because they are the Bible but also because I love telling stories in whatever form.

I’m passionate about my writing and I have friends urging me to continue my Esther story and I know I need to just keep writing regardless of who reads this.

Writing is just something I DO whether or not it is my career or occupation; I enjoy it too much to stop. And whenever I do stop I get grumpy and horrible to live with.

Which brings me full circle to shouting at the boys – I only shout because I care and I care because these things are important to me.

These things are my passions and they are far more important than my occupation!

Now how do I fit all that onto your little form?

BIG stuff verses small stuff

I’ve calmed down a bit now but an hour ago I was in tears, ranting and raving. 

                

All I wanted to do was update my iPod. It’s been over a year since I last did it, and the collection of CDs not available to listen to on my iPod is growing steadily.

I stopped using iTunes when the family computer packed in knowing I would have to download it all again onto another machine, the thought of maybe having to start from scratch with all my CDs seemed like too much hassle.

But then I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with iTunes, every few months a new version comes out and you have to re-learn how it works and in these days when everything is instant it always seems to take forever to do the simplest task.

Well today I downloaded the new updated version onto my laptop and even managed to get a CD into the system but I can’t figure out how to upload to my iPod without losing every other song I’ve ever added.

Sometimes I think I’ll just wait until I get a new Apple device and I’ll start over again and everything will be right with the world!

However iTunes is not really the problem.

The real issue is everything seems out of my control. I am waiting for my viewing on Saturday and tinkering with all the little problems round the edges, dealing with the cluttered corners and cupboards that bring a quick fix satisfaction. While still avoiding filing the paperwork and the huge mess left in the dining room after the kitchen re-fit.

I’ve written lots of flash fiction this week too – a pure distraction but it’s taken me away from writing about grief and working on my Unravelling-Edges manuscript – didn’t I once say I wanted a first draft written by the summer holidays?

Once again I can’t cope with the BIG stuff. Yet my stomach is churning because the BIG stuff is going on all around me.

I may have to make some pretty dramatic decisions in the coming months, perhaps weeks, possibly even days! And that scares me because I am on my own.

Friends and family are great, I don't know where I would be without them but I really want someone special in my life again, someone to work together with and make decisions as a family that affect the pair of us and the boys.

Two years ago I wrote this - “My Life in A Day”  Even back then my thoughts revolved round three BIG hopes for the future, new house, some kind of writing career and finding someone new to share my life with. Andrew hadn’t even been dead a year – such shocking behaviour! 

Sometimes I feel like a stuck record – what will there be left to write about once all my dreams have come true?

Then a year ago I gave up on all my wishes until I was unexpectedly rescued by Dark Knight – will I ever know his true identity?

So I sit here thoughts going round in circles, like the fly currently buzzing round my head. I’m babbling a load of nonsense in favour of switching off the laptop and doing something more constructive instead…

But in between thinking about this post, writing it and being in a strop I took some lunch to oldest son. He’s helping out at the local tennis club with the under 8s. 

“Hello!” called one little boy as I walked through the gate. 

“Hello!” I replied.

“You do assemblies at our school!”

“Yes I do.” I said with a smile.

That little conversation made my day, just the recognition and joy on the boy's face.

Some things may never seem to change, some things may be too BIG for me to understand but life has moved on this year and that little act of going into school each week and telling Bible stories has made an impact on the children and on me too.

Perhaps concentrating on the small stuff is OK after all.

My Mary Moment

Some blog posts take time to write and this is one that seems to have been stuck as a word document forever…

…I could make my excuses but let’s just say I’ve been pondering and I am in great company!

When I wrote about this year’s nativity at church there was something I omitted to say. I had a starting role as one of the Strictly XFactor judges, playing the part of Nicole Scherzinger.

This was not the original plan but the girl who was playing Nicole had lost her voice that Sunday morning so I jumped in to save the play – complete with fake American accent, which once I started I realised I couldn’t abandon half way through the performance.

It did mean I could pull everything else together from on stage, calling in the characters as they were meant to appear and passing around the shared microphone.

I love being in the limelight, I am a complete show off and enjoy acting for an audience. 

It is just one of the reasons I joined a team at church this year called “Open the Book”. We go into the local primary school each week and tell Bible stories. Actually we don’t just TELL stories we ACT them out and we have gathered a good group of us prepared to dress up and be a bit silly for Jesus.

Open the Book is a nationwide initiative specially designed to fit in with the National Curriculum. You can find out more about their work by clicking on this link http://openthebook.net/home.php.

So far we have told stories from the beginning of the Bible, Adam and Eve, Noah, Abraham and Joseph. But for the last assembly before Christmas we Opened the Book at the beginning of the New Testament and I got to play the Virgin Mary.

Now I have never been Mary before. It is the role most often given to the pretty girls in school nativity productions. In church I am trying to work my way through the girls, trying to give each a turn at being the most favoured lady. It is easier when there are not so many to choose from.

When I was young at school I was usually cast as one of the narrators – a part most often given to the best readers because they hold the story together.

What I discovered this week being Mary was that Jesus’s mother was a quiet thoughtful sort of person. Usually she doesn’t say much.

It’s difficult for me to play a part where I don’t have much to say but to say nothing at all – well everyone else on the team thought that was hilarious as I always have too much to say.

But the beauty of being Mary this time was that she got to sit and hold the baby, sit and ponder all the wonderful things that God had done; admiring the miracle of His new born son wrapped up in the manger.

As I sat and stroked the face of the baby doll with a serene expression on my face, I pondered too. 

There was time in my silence to stop and consider.

These times are rare, so often I am rushing around multi-tasking, particularly at Christmas when the list of jobs grows exponentially.

I said at the beginning of this post that this has taken me a while to write.

At this precise moment as I type I am in between visitors, Christmas is over, my parents have already arrived back home safely after spending a lovely time here with us.

I await the next car load to descend!

There is space here and now to type, to write and to ponder with a smile on my face just like Mary.

Content and happy with the world.

I pray that you have had a wonderful Christmas and enjoy the continuing festivities with friends and family.

But most of all I pray you get some space to STOP and think, to ponder and consider, to be thankful.

Put the busyness on hold for a while.

Finally I wish you every blessing for 2013!