Yesterday
I wrote a prayer and I decided to share it because this is how I’ve been
feeling recently, slightly out of sorts and unbalanced.
Oldest son has moved on to the next stage of life - A levels, he's growing in independence yet he still needs me. Meanwhile youngest son will be choosing options this year. Things are changing for them while I seem to be stuck in a deep rut going nowhere!
I’ve been spending too much time on things I shouldn’t be, worrying about
stuff that’s unimportant in the grand scheme of life, shutting the door on the issues I can't face and neglecting the one
relationship that should mean the most – the relationship between me and my
heavenly father.
God I know
we’ve not spent much time together recently
Well at least
I’ve not found time for you
I know you’ve
been speaking to me
You’ve
presented me with the gift of rainbow, a glint of sunshine, a beautiful flower
“Yes” I say
with indifference as I wave you on your way
And carry on
with my own schemes
But I know
the absence of you in my days is what’s making my life off balance
I wobble and
fall over and cry
And part of
me wants to just wallow in my misery
“Nobody cares”
I wail as I press the self-destruct button and bite my nails, all the while
hiding under a baggy jumper
But that’s so
untrue
I have so
many friends and they love me, they really do
Even the ones
that have seen me at almost my very worst!
If even they
forgive me the odd bad mood and sharp word how much more will you always be
there?
“I’m sorry,
I’m so sorry” I whisper as I climb up on your knee
Today was going to be the day when I went and sold Andrew’s
precious record collection.
I have discovered a shop in a nearby town, we’d corresponded
by email and they were keen to take a look if I could get them there.
Not a problem I thought, even if it was somewhere I’d never
actually driven to before it wasn’t stepping out of my comfort zone too much. I could
always rely on the sat nav for directions.
I looked up directions on line and I thought I was sorted,
even accounting for the little arrows which I assumed meant one way, I’d worked
out a simple enough route.
The hardest part of the task that I could see this morning
was bringing the six plastic boxes full of vinyl records down stairs from the
loft.
OK even that is not difficult but I did a new exercise class
last night and I have aching muscles and my legs start to wobble in protest just looking at
a set of stairs!
Anyway I carried three boxes down, had a break for a cuppa –
I’m not joking – then I fetched the other three and loaded them into the car.
I set off, dropping oldest son and his friend at college on
the way, this was going to be a good day.
I turned off the main road and found myself
stuck in a huge traffic jam – roadworks that according to the sign would be
there for 70 weeks! Well all I had to do was stay on the main road then go completely round the roundabout, take the first turning, second on the left and I
would be there, more or less.
Only I’m not sure I ever found the correct roundabout,
maybe that new junction they were busy working on was once the roundabout I’d
planned my route from and the map I’d looked up was now out of date!
When nothing looked quite as expected, I doubled back and
eventually found myself on a familiar road – one that I knew would ultimately lead
me home a different way.
That’s when I cried – why is nothing ever straightforward?
All the time I’d put on hold the emotional aspect of what I
was about to do, but suddenly I’d been tripped up and overwhelmed by the
enormity of it all.
Andrew’s precious vinyl was in the boot of the car. The collection of 45s he’d lovingly built up over the years when he ran his own
mobile disco as a hobby and dreamed of being a DJ.
It was through our love of music that we originally met. How
often had we sat together choosing records to play? I loved the fact he had
some of my favourite tunes and I’ve kept the all the special ones with meaning and memories attached, but you can’t keep hoarding stuff forever.
At the moment I feel like everything I do leads to another
dead end. I seem to be thwarted at every turn.
Selling Andrew’s records was supposed to be a proactive
move, a positive step forward.
The records may not be worth a great deal in monetary terms but I’d
like to think someone could find a use for them rather than just throw them
out. That seems such a waste, a misuse of resources.
The truth is we all accumulate so much STUFF and it weighs us
down more than we realise.
Perhaps it’s time to hire another skip – perhaps I just need
to get rid of the clutter forever to be free – unless anyone knows what I can
do with an assortment of radio/disco equipment that became obsolete long before
Andrew died, not forgetting the 6 boxes of singles, now sitting in the hall – I
can’t face carrying them all back upstairs!
Then I found this prayer on Facebook...
Perhaps next week I will re-visit the map, get my bearings and have
another go, I’ve come too far to let this little blip defeat me… I’ll let you
know.
I was asked yesterday at church to share something about New
Wine last week, so I scribbled down a few notes and afterwards decided to use
them as a starting point for this blog post too – recycling – don’t you just
love it?
As it happened I got up early Sunday morning, made myself a
cup of tea, resisted the urge to switch on the computer to check Facebook and
Twitter and I thought about what God had said to me over the last seven days. I
actually wrote over four pages in my diary and I’m only up to day one! I didn’t
think God had that much he needed to say to me!
Last year God spoke powerfully to me in the shower, this
year he spoke to me everywhere, a few words here and there which apparently
adds up to a lot. Similar themes came up again and again – well I never listen
the first time!
Much of it is personal, one particular speaker, Jo Saxton,
seemed to have a hotline to my thoughts – some of her stories are so similar to
mine its uncanny!
Leaving aside the personal stuff for Sunday morning’s
impromptu testimony I started with the lyrics of my favourite New Wine song
this year.
You Found Me by Ian Yates and Sam
Blake
You found me
You’ve stolen my heart
You’ve stolen my heart
You found me
Awakened my heart
Awakened my heart
When all around is sinking sand
You’re the rock on which I
stand
You’re the rock on which I
stand
And in the pain and suffering
You were stretching out your
hand
You were stretching out your
hand
To me
There was just something about this song that grabbed hold of
me from the start. I have been surrounded by sinking sand over the past couple
of year since Andrew died yet God has remained steadfast and faithful and
reaching out to me at every step, never letting me fall.
Each time I sang these words I was reminded he will never
leave me and that demands a response from me. One particular morning I just had to kneel down to sing, God's awesome presence was overwhelming and I am so thankful he has brought me this far and kept me close to him.
As you may have figured by now if you regularly read my blog
I am a planner, a plotter, a daydreamer. I really do like to know where I am
heading and how I am going to get there. I am all too fond of telling God the
best path we should take but he is determined to take me on a mystery tour and
travel the much longer scenic route.
my new journal...
God reminded me this week I need to surrender my own map
book and atlas, give up my “secret” plans, which he knows all about anyway, all
I need to do is follow him, one footstep at a time.
...with a verse I always cling to!
One of the lovely things about New Wine is the Art Venue
called 3:16. It is run by a friend of mine and everyday a group of talented
artists share their skills and lead some fantastic workshops.
Last year I had a go at prayer weaving, it was incredibly
peaceful, God spoke to me as I worked with recycled material, fabrics, wool,
buttons and beads. The lady who ran that workshop this year did one called
stitch a prayer.
I obviously had some notion in my head from the start of how
my prayer would look but once I got my hands on the fabric my thoughts changed
and I let God lead me in a different direction.
It started as a stormy sea then as I turned the fabric round
I decided it should actually be a waterfall of tumbling thoughts made up of
discarded plastic bags, net fabric and felt all stitched rather haphazardly.
There’s a swirl of chain stitch as I try to make sense of
things by myself. I try to get things in order but only end up stirring the mess with my own hands and going round and round in circles. Eventually the stitches
dissolve into single chains reminiscent of tear drops.
They lead down towards the
cross and another pair of larger scarred hands.
Across the bottom of the material I stitched a colourful
piece of fabric, this is all very neat and tidily enclosed by blanket stitch.
There are two pairs of feet, the smaller ones following the larger footsteps.
It seemed to me even in my sewing God was saying, leave all
the tangled mess behind and just follow me…
On my last evening at
New Wine there wasn’t just one big talk but several smaller ones covering a
variety of serious issues. Each person who spoke was incredibly brave, opening
up and sharing some of their own stories.
The testimony that really spoke to me was a video shown on
the screen. The woman who spoke had a huge infectious smile on her face as she
told us how much she loved life. She appeared to be so jolly with not a care in
the world.
Then she shared how last year she found a lump in her breast
and she talked about having cancer. She fiddled about with her wig, finally
discarding it and talking honestly about JOY. With God’s help she had chosen to
be joyful, even through the toughest of times.
She was an inspiration and although my own story is
completely different I decided I wanted to choose to be joyful in my own
circumstances too.
None of this is going to be easy, surrendering my own plans,
following Jesus and choosing joy. I’ve set myself a bit of a challenge in the
coming weeks and months. OK a LOT of a challenge! Although in some ways it's pretty basic Christianity I just need to be reminded daily that this is the path I have decided to take.
However as it says in the song at the beginning God reaches out
his hand to us and is always there to help.
I bought a new Tshirt at New Wine too.
It inspired today title and serves as a reminder that actually I am still a work in progress, on my own
I would fail, spectacularly, but with God I just might be able to stand on the
solid rock…
