Friday, 31 May 2013

days of ups and downs...

It’s been a while since I’ve really been run over by grief. Today it came like a big double decker bus out of nowhere and suddenly I was flattened!

I didn’t think the day was that bad but I didn’t get much sleep last night and I guess grief has been bubbling under the surface for days.

The fault lines usually appear every school holiday, sometimes they miraculously hold but at other times they spectacularly crack.

And then there’s my dysfunctional kitchen which remains … well dysfunctional! The Aga is OFF AGAIN and I’m getting sick of microwave ready meals and cooking on the camping stove.

Plus I’ve been writing lots about the early months of widowhood. It’s still ONLY two and a half years since Andrew died. “That’s not a long time,” said my friend the other day. To me it seems an eternity.

What I miss most, what I’m actually grieving for at the moment is that hand to hold, the one that squeezes tight to let me know I’m making the right decisions. It’s a recurring theme of mine.

Of course I think I’m probably doing everything wrong, I’m pretty sure Andrew wouldn’t approve of some things I’m doing. He would certainly have a problem with all the money that keeps disappearing from the bank account as I spend it getting things fixed that he could have sorted in his own inimitable style much cheaper!

But the fact remains - 
the money is here and Andrew is not.

It’s what he worked so hard for, to provide for us, maybe he’s not frowning down on me after all.

On a happier note, I no longer have a hole in the kitchen ceiling …

  … and as of yesterday I now have some kitchen walls plastered ready for a lick of paint.

Then last night I received this fabulous comment on my re-ravelling Facebook page

Hi Sarah, I came across your story by chance earlier this evening ( much earlier actually as I have just sat here and gone back to the start of your Blog and read it right through!)  I have sat and cried and smiled and been inspired and encouraged! It is beautifully written. You say you want to turn it into a book. I think you must. 

There will be a great many people out there who might not ever 'come across' your Blog by chance as I have, or who don't even have computer access...but they will love reading your words. I look forward to your book being published. Thank you for your Inspirational writing… a Blessing to read

Well that was confirmation, as if it were needed, that I should carry on writing. That I have a story worth telling and the means to share it.

So that’s my week, the good and the bad.

Next week the boys are back at school, well youngest is while oldest completes his exams.

Next week the Aga is being serviced, the hot water will be on tap once more and I will be able to bake a cake and cook a proper wholesome meal!

Next week the plastering will be finished and hopefully I will get to see some real improvement in the kitchen. (I promise I will post more photos!)

And next week there may still be tears and moments that trip me up and send me sprawling flat on my face again, but hopefully the good will outweigh the bad, the sun will shine and I will still remember to smile.

1 comment:

  1. Sarah, I love reading your posts. The world may think that there's a time limit on grief, but there never is. You are carrying on beautifully. Know that we are thinking of you and have virtual hugs and snugs for the bad days.