This is a monologue I wrote and performed at a ladies meeting last night. Imagine a woman in her, let’s say, forties sat at a desk.She is wearing a headset enabling her to talk on the phone while typing at a laptop … every so often she pauses to listen to the other side of the conversation…
Hello, Cinderella’s Shoe Shop, Veronica Huntly-Smythe speaking how may I be of service today?
...Yes sir you have dialled the right number, here at Cinderella’s Shoe Shop we offer exclusive matchmaking for discerning royal families.
Each potential princess registers a shoe with us that encapsulates her personality and passion. Princes looking for a soul mate just have to look through our shoe collection and we promise they will find the girl of their dreams.
Just like the fairy tale the shoe will only fit the prince’s one true love.
…Glass slippers? Oh yes sir we have an extensive range of glass slippers, these tend to be left by the truely romantic brides-to-be. I shouldn’t comment but some of these do have some airy fairy notions about love and marriage. But as I said I shouldn’t pass judgement, if you are the sort of prince prepared to give a girl the world…
…oh you are!
Well let’s not rule anyone out at this stage, how about a more practical princess? We do have quite a collection of Barbour wellingtons and riding boots registered belonging to some lovely young ladies. Would you say you are an animal lover?
…that’s quite a collection you’ve got yourself. A pair of antelopes, a pair of zebras and everything in between.
Now how do you feel about charity working would-be-princesses? Their shoes do tend to be a bit downtrodden, lots of compassion for the poor and always reluctant to leave a shoe with us.
…Gosh I don’t think we’ve ever had a prince with such a hands on approach to his own charitable causes. Let me note that down “poor very high on agenda”.
There is a fourth group I should tell you about, a bit like the glass slipper brigade, we have what I like to term the party princesses. They register their Jimmy Choos, lots of glitter and high heels.
Obviously we’ve just been talking about the underprivileged in society, how do you feel about a woman with money, who likes the high life, diamonds, champagne?
…I see let me add that to your profile “rather partial to a party and likes fine wine”.
Well I seem to be building up a good picture of you, so many of our young ladies registered with us spring to mind for you.
Actually may I just say your voice is like honey, you sound absolutely charming, it’s a bit delicate but how do you feel about older women?
…that’s very kind of you to say, I might just be throwing my own shoe into the mix.
Now the matching process works like this I can show you a selection of shoes to choose from or you can browse from the whole store at a time convenient to yourself.
But before I make an appointment, I should clarify your royal status.
Can I take your name?
...Could you spell that for me - J.E.S.U.S.
And you are the prince of?
…And that would be spelt - P.E.A.C.E?
Do you live in a palace?
…A mansion is fine, there’s no discrimination, and that’s “with many rooms”.
And are you in line to inherit the kingdom?
…Kingdom of H.E.A.V.E.N.
…Well everything checks out splendidly at this end, I have an appointment a week next Tuesday if that is convenient? Shall we say 2pm?
…I look forward to meeting you then and introducing you to your future bride.
Have a nice day and thank you for calling!