Mixed up thoughts and tumbled treasure

I’ve had enough of winter; I’ve certainly had enough of snow and wild wet days.

I long for sunshine, for daffodils and bluebells in the garden, splashes of colour to brighten my world.

Now I know it’s still early in the year but only a few weeks ago there was a tantalising promise that spring was on its way, buds were forming, hardy varieties of flowers unfurled in anticipation.

Then it snowed again. Oh not much and all gone by tea time but enough in the mornings to get me flustered and panicky. 

I feel ready to move on and make changes and snow in particular makes me feel trapped and slows down my plans!

My blue painted fingernails tap out an impatient rhythm even now in between my typing. Despite coming up with a three year plan of staying put I want to know what happens next in my story.

A chance meeting and conversation with our vicar only churned up my thoughts further as we discussed what God’s plans for me might look like. I foolishly worry there is no overlap at all and that God is going to send me where I don’t want to go!

As I drove home past the sea it was rough and wild, a high tide churning, swirling, agitating, a metaphor for the way I was feeling.

By Friday morning the storms had died down and I decided to take a walk on the beach to clear my thoughts.

Crunching on the pebbles and splashing on the wet smooth sand I walked, I cried, I pondered, hoping all the while to find a definitive answer written in the sand or maybe a cloud shaped like a giant arrow pointing the direction I should take.

Actually all I found was this 

I loaded my pockets with seaglass and broken pottery. Once these things were whole and useful, now they are shattered and seemingly worthless.

But the sea has taken them and tumbled them, smoothing the raw edges to create something beautiful.

I’ve no idea what I will really “do” with it all, especially as I already have a huge collection, but to me it is still treasure.

I like to think that God picks up the broken pieces he sees and collects them in his pocket. 

The people who are broken, smashed, feeling just a little out of sorts because let’s face it that’s where I am at the moment. I’m not depressed, I’m no longer in the deepest part of my grief, I’m just a little blue, wondering and pondering what my next steps might be and sometimes getting a little bit anxious.

Often my thoughts run ahead of themselves and maybe I need to snow to slow me down, I need the rainy days to make my stop and think.

But here are some positive things I have done to move forward this week.

• I have seen my kitchen plans and they are good
• I have bought two new tyres for my car
• I've changed the desktop picture on my laptop to my treasure picture above, instead of our last family photo
• I have changed my relationship status on Facebook from Widowed to BLANK

Next week the forecast remains unsettled with more chance of snow but spring will come soon – won’t it?