I am feeling overwhelmed yet again. I think not having a fully functioning kitchen is slowly wearing me down. It’s been over five weeks now although it is all coming together very slowly, when there’s a bit more colour on the walls I’ll post some more photos.
What’s stressing me a bit is that in a few days I will lose my sink and dishwasher, hopefully for a very short space of time but it’s taking these backward steps that make you wonder if you will ever really get there at all.
Grief is a bit like that too. You think you are moving in the right direction, climbing up a few ladders, making great progress when you land on a long and slippery snake.
At least now I recognise its grief, not depression or just having a crap day but a huge wave of grief that sweeps over me. A tidal wave of missing out on how things should have been.
That’s not to say my life would have been any easier if Andrew had still been around to share this with, we’d probably be arguing over whether we actually NEEDED a new kitchen at all!
I’m learning how to ride the storm and bounce back from each episode but it doesn’t stop the crushing pain.
Last night I was reading my old diary from 2011 and I can’t believe how I got through those early months, they were so tough. I felt exhausted just reading and remembering.
In a few years from now perhaps I will wonder how I survived this period of time, these weeks of living with my de-constructed kitchen, days of having no hot water and moments of tears when it all got too much.