Friday, 6 September 2013

I’m not the girl I used to be…

For the past few years every time I’ve sat in the hairdresser’s chair I’ve looked with dismay at the woman staring back at me. She gets older and older with each visit and more and more tired – I thought getting your hair done was supposed to be a treat!

The lovely natural colour has slowly faded from my hair and after losing Andrew an extra spark was lost from my features. Oh I don’t suppose many people really saw it, maybe it’s just the passing of time and the pressures of modern family life taking its toll.

However yesterday was strangely different.

As I sat in the hairdresser’s chair and watched her blow dry the golden pink strands that currently frame my face, giving me some much needed colour, I know for certain Andrew wouldn’t have liked the "drastic" colour change but I do – I like it very much. For once I smile at my reflection and my eyes somehow sparkle.

I am suddenly aware that I’ve changed inside and out, slowly and sometime imperceptibly over the past almost three years – how did time fly quite so fast?

And then I read this poem which Mark Ethridge has written for this week’s #MWBB (Mid Week Blues Buster) and it makes me cry because I can hear Andrew’s voice, although he would never have been so eloquent with his words. 


It explains that if the person writing the poem had stayed the one left behind couldn’t have grown or ever realised their true potential.

And deep down I know this is true for me. 

(But I’m never sure how it works for the boys; they should never have lost their dad at such a young age. I guess some things will remain a mystery and I will never understand God’s way of doing things. )

Anyway Mark’s poem inspired my own, whether it is a proper poem or a prose poem or just some random thoughts I’m not sure but this is my reply…

I’m not the girl I used to be

I don’t think I’m any stronger, more resilient, extra resourceful

But with tiny steps each day I grow ever so slightly more confident

I’m not happier or more sad in my situation

But now when I laugh it’s louder, 
          the noise so precious I want it to resound forever

and when I cry it comes out from such a depth 
          that I never knew existed before

I know I wouldn’t be this person …

          … if you had stayed

I couldn’t be this person …

          … if you were still here

I found her lost and lonely in my own reflection 
          but together we have grown

I don’t want to be better without you than with you in my life

But part of me really likes the new me

And I like her more and more each day

As she grows and changes, forever a wonderful new work in progress

And sometimes I wonder what you’d think of me now

… if we could somehow meet

… because I’m not the girl you left behind …

… I’m not the girl I used to be.

1 comment:

  1. I know it's a cliche, but sometimes I think our youth really is lost on us...every decade I notice how different I am, a new me evolves and I like her!
    Keep growing and blossoming, and know that Andrew is happy to see you bloom even though he's not beside you right now :)