Tuesday, 3 September 2013

A letter to... the fly on the wall

Today I'm trying out a new writing challenge it's called "letters to..."

Unlike most writing prompts I take part in this one is not about writing fiction, although I suppose there's nothing to stop you. Also this prompt is hosted by two Christians, Ruth and Sabrina so it has a different feel to it and is much more like my real life posts than the made up stories I write.

Here's how "letters to..." works.

Twice a month, we will provide you with a Letters To prompt and a welcoming space to share it.  The link-ups will be hosted alternately by Ruth at {learning one day at a time} and Sabrina at Just Keep Singing.  You can visit either site to find out the prompt. 

Letters To

Today's prompt is letters to... the fly on the wall, although this one is really written to the fly that annoyingly buzzes around my bedroom just as I get into bed each night...



Oh you’re back are you, buzzing around my head again like my random thoughts as I lie here trying to sleep.

I really wish I could understand your buzzing, I wish you could tell me what you see in the other rooms of my house.

Youngest is sleeping soundly, I checked before I went to bed but oldest son, what’s he up to? I can still see a light beneath his tightly closed bedroom door.

It’s not that I want to spy on my teenage son but I wish I knew what went on in his head. 

Mr Fly do you know?

Are you privy to those hidden thoughts as you dart about the house?

What I’m really asking, what's really on my mind tonight, is how much do they miss their dad? 

I know I sometimes cry myself to sleep, even now almost three years on, caught up in a web of grief, sticky and sometimes so unrelenting. 

But the boys appear so detached from their emotions as if they have wrapped up their feelings in a box labelled DAD – DO NOT OPEN! 

I worry too much I suppose that they never want to TALK whereas I need to talk and write all the time just to keep my head straight, which could be why I’m now writing to you – the fly on the wall – my only company at midnight.

Is it just that boys are different from girls? 

I don’t know much about the transfer deadline window or how to put together a scalextric track. I feel like I fail them every day because I just don’t understand their world.

Am I good enough on my own to be both mum and dad to them?

Am I strong enough to hold all this together?

Am I brave enough for all the challenges that come my way?

Oh fly on the wall – I’ve asked too many questions and you will never truly understand.

But as I turn out the light and lay my head on the pillow you stop your incessant buzzing and in the silence I know there is someone who really does watch over us all and HE whispers...

“Go to sleep – please don’t worry, 
you are doing great!”


I wish I did always have that certainty and that I didn't keep doubting.

I wish that dratted fly would just buzz off!

Now it's your turn what would you write to ... the fly on the wall? 

4 comments:

  1. Sarah, this really moved me. I was a single mum for years and I know that feeling of not being enough and how tough it is to try and be both parents. I can only imagine how much more difficult that is when you've suffered the pain of losing the person you were supposed to be walking this journey with.
    Thank God that we can lean on Him and trust Him not to leave us alone in it - that we don't have to be both parents or be strong all the time.
    You sound as if you are doing an amazing job, such an inspiration!

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    1. thanks for your lovely comment Ruth! x

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  2. I've asked & wrestled painfully with all those questions time & again as a 2 parent family (OK maybe not the transfer deadline.) But I can't imagine how loud the buzzing is for you.
    Thanks for sharing & from this you are doing an amazing job with your boys.

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    1. thanks for your comment - having just had the first argument of the school year over homework with youngest son I really needed to hear I'm doing well. So often it doesn't feel like it and the buzzing in my ears is painfully loud right now.

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