Friday, 4 May 2012


Yesterday I embarked on another course of counselling. I have tried this before but didn’t find it particularly helpful. Now I have reached a point where I am willing to try it again as I need something to lift me out of the gloomy mood I’ve been in for far too long. 

As I laid out all my troubles before her and confessed I was now angry at life she empathised saying she felt angry for me.

She was gentle and softly spoken, calm and reassuring. I felt safe in her presence. Ultimately she validated my intense angry feelings, I have a right to feel this low and am justified in thinking this isn’t fair.

Now I know life isn’t fair in general anyway and bad things happen to people every day, I’ve just heard this morning that a friend of mine has lost her father unexpectedly.

Sometimes I feel as if I should move on, should be further along the path. As more and more people experience heartache of death, loss or illness I should be further down the line. It’s time to just get on with life as it is now.  Realistically what else can I do?

When our youngest son was two he never experienced the terrible twos. He was the most loving sweetest child at that age forever giving his mother kisses and cuddles. On the other hand his five year old brother was a pain in the neck, maybe it was that surge of testosterone as he started school and mixed with bigger kids, he was a challenge. 

This was exacerbated by the fact that Andrew and I were both a little down at the time. To be truthful I was probably suffering from delayed post natal depression but Andrew got to the doctors first and he was the one put on anti-depressants. 

Then my mum discovered she had breast cancer.

Suddenly when my world started collapsing I knew if I didn’t pull my socks up and get on with “it” we would all quickly go under.

That was the key moment when I became strong Sarah able to face the world because I had to. I had very little choice.

Now there were plenty moments in our marriage when Andrew held me tight and was the strong one, chasing away my fears. A lot of the time we worked together as team and that’s what I miss the most. But he also worked away and hated me being unable to cope when he couldn’t be here.

I have learnt from necessity to be STRONG and thinking that is how I SHOULD behave.

But I am fed up of being the STRONG one, always dependable and copying admirably.

And “SHOULD is a SH** word”, this from an upright member of our church.

My foundations have been severely shaken; everything has fallen apart around me. I don’t want to sit and wallow, feeling weak and weedy, but just let me be angry for a while, maybe throw some rubble around before I rebuild.

I have every right to do so.

Bit of a joke that isn’t funny, so maybe it’s just a saying…

Why is a woman like a teabag?
Because when you put her in hot water you see just how strong she is.

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