Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Emotional Leakage

While away at Scargill House last week we had a film night and watched Johnny English Reborn.

He is a spy of the highest calibre (not!) and trained in all manner of secret agent techniques including not cracking under pressure or giving away crucial information.

However just the mention of Mozambique causes him to remember an incident he would rather forget, his face contorts in a way that only Rowan Atkinson could manage!

These movements are recorded by MI7's very pretty behavioural psychologist as she taps into his subconscious to discover what really happened on that fateful night the president was assassinated on Johnny’s watch.

She calls his reactions “emotional leakage” - physically displaying thoughts and feelings you are trying to keep hidden.

I think I’ve been having my own “emotional leakage”, two people independently have told me I sound depressed from reading my blog or words to that effect. I’ve lost my sparkle.

My attempts at bravado and making light of things is clearly not working as well as I hoped. I have tried hard to be positive even when I had a go at being a pessimist.

Maybe I need a break from writing or maybe I should stop this blogging altogether it’s no longer helping like it once did.

To be honest I don’t know what will help any more, I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel whatsoever. While other people’s lives move forward I feel completely stuck.

It’s almost like I have travelled in time to a future date when I am widowed and I am waiting for the rest of the world to catch up with me. When I am in my seventies being a widow won’t seem so strange. 

It’s as if 25 years of my life have disappeared and yet I still have to live through them in slow motion while I wait for the boys to grow up and become independent. And I have to be both mother and father to them too.

Today on the advice of a friend I started taking the anti-depressants again. I was taking St John’s Wort as an alternative but forgot to take them away on holiday with me and now I feel all out of kilter. 

But I don’t want to be the girl who has to take a pill every morning forever more but maybe in this topsy-turvey time travelling existence that is what will see me through. 

I may not write for a while (or I could be back tomorrow – who can tell?). I need to somehow find my sparkle again without it I am truly lost.


  1. Oh friend.... *hugs*
    I know what you mean about not feeling like blogging helps. I've been doing meme things and writing lil stories, but to sit down and write a post, well they all come out so damn depressing and all I can think is, how in the world can I write about anything else? Even emailing people makes me super depressed, because I just end up talking about my dad and how I'm just in shock. And it brings back thoughts of losing my Poppa and fears of losing my mom and kids and husband. And then I think about my friend who just lost her husband to cancer and my other friend whose wife died in a freak accident and then I'm back to my dad dying just two short months ago and I think screw it, why even try.

    But I think the point is not letting it get stored up inside of us, expressing our real emotions, and being able to be okay with the good the bad and the ugly.

    Life is good, it isn't easy and it isn't fair, but it is good. And we must remember that, and some times in order to remember that, we must face the fact that good doesn't mean no sorrow, it just means living even when everything goes to hell.

    Take time. Do what's right for YOU and your boys. And know, there are others out here that get it. That understand the pain and suffering and believe you can make it. Pill or no pill, you are strong, smart, creative, and loved. I'm a stranger and I know these things. *hugs* <-- cause there are never enough especially online.

  2. Ang has put into words what I would like to say so much better than me Sarah. Big hugs for you and know that it is actually ok to take one day or one step at a time and that it is ok to feel however you do at this particular moment in time. There is no right or wrong feelings - they are just what they are. Don't be hard on yourself and if you ever want to meet for coffee or to chat - let me know.

  3. Sarah, having been through a similar grief process, though not the same of course as we are all on different paths, I understand your turmoil. Thank goodness you realized that there is medical help available and that there is nothing wrong with seeking that support. I agree with Ang - you must do what is right for YOU and what is right for your boys. You are doing the strong thing by really considering the option, and taking the path that is most helpful.

    You are (again agreeing with smart Ang) that you are strong, smart and creative. Your talent shines through in your work and I enjoy visiting your blog...though I too have wondered if perhaps your mood went deeper than the blues.

    You have my support, and obviously the support of many people. We're proud of you, Sarah.

    Big hugs! Jo-Anne

  4. Helen V Anderson30 May 2012 at 21:54

    Hi Sarah. We have only communicated on writer-ish things before but, from your blog, I feel like we'd have lots in common. I just wanted to wish you well and say I hope you look after yourself and get others to look after you, too, until you're feeling better. You seem to put yourself under enormous pressure to meet impossibly high standards. Anyway, lots of supportive wishes coming your way from me in Marske! xxx

  5. Dear Sarah,
    You are so strong and brave. Medicine is a gift from God and if that makes you feel better for a time then take it. I struggled for ages with out medicine then was told I needed it like someone needs insulin.... If blogging isn't helping for a while, have a break from it, but I reckon you will miss it. I am learning very slowly to do what's right for me...and I have the freedom to that a bit more now. I know it's really difficult for you like you say, being Mom and Dad. I hope you get a bit of sparkle back soon...... It will come back I am sure, and I think it's still early days Lots of love Elaine xxx

  6. ...if you had a broken leg, you would let the doctor put a cast on it, wouldn't you, to support your leg? All the pills are are a support for a broken heart... you'd be silly to shun it if you know it will help you...

  7. Hey lovely lady....
    Just want you to know that Ellie and I are praying for you. The journey's so overwhelming sometimes as we both know, but God hasn't abandoned in His arms, He knows your hurt better than anybody. And be good to yourself....go for coffee and shopping with someone you love?!
    Much love,
    C+E x

  8. Ahh honey,I can only repeat what your other friends have said on here. You can't be positive and jolly all the time and don't feel you have to put a 'brave' face on. Your sparkle will always be there for you to rediscover again - maybe sometimes it just needs a rest as well...

    If you want a (non professional but large and sympathetic) ear, I'm more than happy to lend mine - we can always arrange to meet up sometime. I'm sure we said we would anyway. It'd be lovely to see you again.
    Take care of yourself - and let others take care of you too