While away at Scargill House last week we had a film night and watched Johnny English Reborn.
He is a spy of the highest calibre (not!) and trained in all manner of secret agent techniques including not cracking under pressure or giving away crucial information.
However just the mention of Mozambique causes him to remember an incident he would rather forget, his face contorts in a way that only Rowan Atkinson could manage!
These movements are recorded by MI7's very pretty behavioural psychologist as she taps into his subconscious to discover what really happened on that fateful night the president was assassinated on Johnny’s watch.
She calls his reactions “emotional leakage” - physically displaying thoughts and feelings you are trying to keep hidden.
I think I’ve been having my own “emotional leakage”, two people independently have told me I sound depressed from reading my blog or words to that effect. I’ve lost my sparkle.
My attempts at bravado and making light of things is clearly not working as well as I hoped. I have tried hard to be positive even when I had a go at being a pessimist.
Maybe I need a break from writing or maybe I should stop this blogging altogether it’s no longer helping like it once did.
To be honest I don’t know what will help any more, I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel whatsoever. While other people’s lives move forward I feel completely stuck.
It’s almost like I have travelled in time to a future date when I am widowed and I am waiting for the rest of the world to catch up with me. When I am in my seventies being a widow won’t seem so strange.
It’s as if 25 years of my life have disappeared and yet I still have to live through them in slow motion while I wait for the boys to grow up and become independent. And I have to be both mother and father to them too.
Today on the advice of a friend I started taking the anti-depressants again. I was taking St John’s Wort as an alternative but forgot to take them away on holiday with me and now I feel all out of kilter.
But I don’t want to be the girl who has to take a pill every morning forever more but maybe in this topsy-turvey time travelling existence that is what will see me through.
I may not write for a while (or I could be back tomorrow – who can tell?). I need to somehow find my sparkle again without it I am truly lost.