Saturday, 21 January 2012

Sounded like a good idea – but can I have my money back?

I am the sort of girl that always jumps in puddles with both feet at once.  There’s a loud splash as water flies in all directions. I enjoy producing ripples that expand outwards and then I deal with the consequences.

That’s very much my way of doing anything, I attribute it to being a creative person.  Trouble is it usually gets messy!

On-line dating was very much a “jump with both feet” impulsive kind of experience. Oh I’d talked about it, had advice from friends and family but today I have decided it isn’t really for me.

Maybe I am just not ready. I don’t have the time to dedicate to a new relationship. There are two young men who need my attention so much more. There’s a book to write and a house to sort out and sell.

I certainly have unrealistic expectations of my knight in shining armour. He needs to possess all of Andrew’s finer qualities and there are a few extras on my list for this time round.

Sir Lancelot riding though the rain - a true knight in shing armour!

But I so hate being alone 

No what I really HATE is the feeling that I am NOT good enough, NOT pretty enough, TOO fat and TOO ugly.

The sane and sensible part of my brain disputes this loudly.
(youngest son has just been reading over my shoulder and he vehemently disagrees too!)
However there is an irrational nagging voice that spoke to me all through my teenage years that reinforces the propaganda. It is a voice heard by so many teenage girls throughout the world.

“Look – everyone else has a boyfriend but YOU, so something MUST be wrong with you.”

What I am afraid of most is ending up neglected and unloved on a dusty old shelf.

I find myself in the situation where I once again have to face my old teenage fears that there is no handsome prince out there for me. When I married Andrew I never thought I would ever feel this way again.

However that does not mean I am fat, ugly or not good enough just that there’s no one’s good enough for me!

Perhaps the timing isn’t right. Or maybe there are more important things I have to do first.

On-line dating is not the answer or a miracle cure for loneliness.

So I’ve asked for my money back. I don’t hold out much hope of getting it but if I do I am going to buy myself a Kindle with a wine purple leather cover.

And if I don’t – I will still buy myself a Kindle but the cover will just have to wait!

1 comment:

  1. I recognise your jumping-in-with-both-feet mentality! And all of those teenage messages about being not good enough. I do think that recognising these things in ourselves is so important, even if it hurts. Take care xx